Bryan Post Attachment Parenting Blog

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Feel What You Feel

Brain Science by a Brain ScientistI have been presenting information regarding ‘feeling what you feel’ and other aspects that involve Mindfulness (i.e., paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to whatever is arising inwardly and outwardly). Learning to feel at the level of sensory input I describe as ‘the longest journey in the world – the 18 inches from your head to your heart’.

Sadly, we spend most of our lives in our heads with thinking being the prime focus of our attention. Thinking has it’s place in our lives, but should be so directed by us when we want and need it rather than that which directs our behaviors and actions. Good parenting requires our being able to feel, and model that behavior to our children.

There is an important physiologic reasoning behind this and Jill Bolte Taylor has addressed this in her book. If we are not in touch with ‘what we feel’ (not emotionally mind you, but with our senses), we have to ‘interpret’ that which is happening instead of ‘knowing through experience’ what is. This puts parents at a great disadvantage of knowing what our children are going through and puts us back into ‘what we have been taught traditionally, triggering the old paradigm parenting approaches that only lead to the way things have been.

“As information processing machines, our ability to process data about the external world begins at the level of sensory perception. Although most of us are rarely aware of it our sensory receptors are designed to detect information at the energy level. Because everything around us–the air we breathe, even the materials we use to build with–are composed of spinning and vibrating atomic particles, you and I are literally swimming in a turbulent sea of electromagnetic fields. We are part of it. We are enveloped within it, and through our sensory apparatus we experience what is.” – My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

Jill Bolte Taylor wrote this exciting treatise on her experience with a stroke that offered her a rare opportunity to see this event from a her exhaustive brain scientist’s vast experience of research on the brain. She has many examples of corollaries to what I teach and I will be sharing these with you. Especially valuable for those wanting to know more from of the science behind the psychology of what we teach.

Good at School/Bad at Home? Bad at Home/Good at School?

Behavior Chameleons

Q.

My 16 year old adopted a daughter has been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder while incarcerated in a juvenile jail. This led me to read two of your books which I found very helpful and insightful. My wife does not believe she has such an disorder because she behaved very well during incarceration. She believes the bad behaviors we experience are choices. Can a child with such disorders behave while incarcerated and exhibit behaviors associated with such a disorder as soon as she returned home? God bless you & yours.

A.

This is similar to children who behave wonderfully at home or school, and do the opposite in the other. The issue is, where does a child/person/adult feel most threatened or stressed.  I have an adopted son who is now in jail and he is very comfortable there because he doesn’t have to do anything other than what he is told.  It is a “safe” place for him where the world at large is not “safe”.  Identifying the threat though is not always obvious. For example, the home may be thought to be a “safe” place but if the relationships/attachment could be threatened due to behaviors, then the home may be perceived as ‘not safe’ for the child and be a trigger for behaviors. Start with, if the behaviors are negative, there is stress/threat. Then, figure it out from there to reduce the threat or stress. One can view behaviors as ‘choices’ but not really at a ‘conscious’ level. The choices, if there are such, are based on ‘what can I do to survive?’. These however are reactions rather than responses and, as such are not really choices.

Unconditonal Love: What is it and how do we get there from here?

We have talked about unconditional love many times.  but for most of us, it is just an intellectual pursuit. We really have no idea, no concept, no real experience of unconditional love. I often wonder how we can teach this to parents who have no model other than their own very limited “conditional” parenting imprints […]

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IEP and The Law: Your 9 Parenting Rights for Helping Your Child Succeed in School – Attorney Jamette Pruett

With Bryan Post and Jamette Pruett, Attorney You must know and take action for assuring your child has the best chance to succeed in school or home school. We have an excellent resource – IEP and The Law which features Attorney Jamette Pruett and I which provides lots of valuable information, tips, and specific Federal […]

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Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired?

The fact that our children’s behaviors affects parents so personally and deeply is a critical issue. It is heart wrenching, heart breaking and depressing at times to have to “put up” with our children’s behaviors – especially when it affects us so directly (hitting, spitting, hurtful words etc). It takes a lot of personal work […]

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The End. Not.

Bryan often talks about process versus outcome. Outcome is the end. Process is ongoing. It never ends. This process is observable, knowable, and predictable. The more you observe, the more you know and the more you can predict. The more you can predict, the more you can be proactive in your parenting approach. I know […]

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To Spank or Not To Spank

Ever wonder if there just might be a better way? I  heard a mother threaten to smack her child if he didn’t stop crying, and a father yelling at his children to sit down and shut up! Professor Murray Strauss of the University of New Hampshire has conducted research which indicates that 94% of adults […]

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Integrating or Healing?

You might try thinking of your child as “integrating” rather than healing. These two words have very different intent. Healing makes an assumption that something is wrong and in need of fixing. Healing often attempts to get rid of whatever it attempts to heal. Healing is often more of a “reaction” to what is. There […]

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Baby, You Are a Parenting Superstar (Pt. 2)

(…click here if you missed Part 1) How many life lessons must you learn? When will this school of life hold a graduation ceremony? When will you be able to sleep a full night, stress and worry free? When will you go through a day with ease and grace, loved completely by your family with […]

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Baby, You Are a Parenting Super Star (Pt. 1)

Go in the bathroom and stand in the mirror, I have something to tell you. Ready? You are a magnificent parent. You are a wonderful human being. You are bold, brave, courageous, passionate and most of all full of love. You have taken all that life has handed you and still yet, you stand. You […]

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