February 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship Pt 2: Empathy

P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L: Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship
Component #2 Empathy

Empathy is the ability to experience and identify with the emotional state of another person. It is important to understand that there are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. Often times that which looks opposite to love is stemming from fear.

Understanding the primary emotions will assist you in the process of empathy. This ability is one of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship between a parent and child. One of the most common misconceptions among parents is that a child displaying aggressive behavior is angry.

This shows a lack of empathy and leads the parent to respond as if he is relating to an angry child, which in turn builds up defensive barriers in the child. Once you begin to view your child as angry and untrusting, you fail to empathize with him. It is very difficult for you to move from a place of anger at your child if you are not able to empathize and identify with what your child is actually feeling.

Remember to work diligently to see the fear underneath the anger. Your own personal history and upbringing may get in the way of empathy as well. We have all experienced various traumas of childhood. You need to be careful to empathize with what your child is actually feeling, rather than assuming he is feeling what you felt as a child.

It is important not to react from an unconscious desire to rescue your child from the pain that you may have felt yourself as a child, or to compensate for something missing in the your own interpersonal life. The longer you live with unresolved traumas in your own life, the further down inside you bury them, and they become deeply ingrained into your unconscious drives.

The task of being empathetic becomes a two-fold experience. One, for the parent to be aware of his own unconscious and past issues; and two, to look beyond seeing his child as angry, and to identify with the child’s true feelings. This empathetic connection will make parenting a much more mutually satisfying experience.

Choose Empathy,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

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January 31, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship Pt 1: Patience

P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L: Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship
Component #1 Patience

If I were asked to identify eight components essential for transforming the relationship between a parent and child, what might they be? Suppose that you could only pick eight and no more. Which eight would you pick?

This series was written to identify what I believe to be the essential components to a peaceful parent/child relationship. Let me qualify the articles by saying that I believe the true catalyst to change in any relationship stems from us as individuals – as parents and professionals. In our relationship with our children it is essential that we take the first step in being reflective of our own internal states thereby giving us the ability, without the distortion of stress and fear, to see clearly the needs of our children.

Scott Rogers states in his book Mindful Parenting, it’s not about raising your child, it’s about you and me: “When we are mindful, we see what is before us; when we are not, we see what is in our mind.” One reason Rogers says time seems to pass so quickly is that we are not aware of the moment as it happens.

This is what I mean when I say stress causes us to “react from the past, obsess about the future, and miss the present. And when you are out of the present you are no longer here.” One could say that the more stress we have, the shorter our lives are—physically, due to the damage that stress does to the body, and mentally, due to not being present.

For instance, it has taken me approximately thirty minutes to write this introduction because my young daughter has interrupted me exactly seven times for various request, a hug, a kiss, a bit of rough housing, a search for her birth certificate, then mine, then my mothers, and most recently, nothing more than to throw her arms around my neck.

Are these eight components essential? Yeah, I think so!

#1 Patience is a process that comes from a deep sense of calmness and well-being. It is an absolute necessity in a parent’s daily interaction with a child. As a parent, when you are stressed, the task of being patient will be infinitely more difficult than when you are calm. This is not a gift. You do have to work at it.

In order to remain patient, you must first take into consideration your own stress that may be unconsciously driving your state of functioning. Next, you must make a concerted effort to be aware of your child’s needs at all times and consider what she may be feeling at any given moment.

And remember, you cannot be patient all of the time. When you do fail in the area of patience you can always apologize for raising your voice or lashing out, and promise to do better the next time.  Now, between now and component #2, notice your ability to be patience. Become acutely aware of when you are hitting your window of tolerance and make a mental note of what the trigger is. Remember to be be patient with yourself in this exercise.

Choose Patience,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

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January 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Lessons in Mindfulness for Dummies and Other Parents

Lessons in Mindfulness for Dummies Author Worth Listening To

Because parenting requires no training (not that it shouldn’t but that anyone can become a parent as we know), and is likely the most important yet most difficult job on planet earth, the future of the world is at stake. Historically, though there have been many improvements in the quality of life, it appears that parenting, in general, has not benefited as much. We still tend to parent from the same mindset/paradigm that has been used for centuries. Reward and punishment, behavior modification and consequences — the most often used tools in our parenting toolbox. We still have prisons, and worse now is that we have a large percentage of children who age out of the foster care system end up in prison.

So one thing leads to another and the stories continue. Either we see the past as the way to a better future (huh?), or we don’t see the past, we just see our idea of what the future could be like if our kids just did what they were supposed to. That would mean that adults did what they were supposed to do. Little evidence, in general, that this is happening. So how do we escape the wheel that offers the opportunity to run faster and faster getting nowhere different even quicker? Ahhhhh. Take a breath for starters.

Mindfulness author Shamish Alidina has some words of helpful advice about mindful parenting:

“I think that parenting is the most difficult, stressful, important and probably most fulfilling responsibility in the world. A good parent needs not only to nurture the child with food, shelter and clothing, but to develop the child’s mind too. Your behavior as a parent often reflects what your own parents were like even if you want to change and improve upon certain areas. However, parents often end up repeating the cycles in subtle ways, passing on unhelpful behaviors (my emphasis here). Fortunately, mindful parenting can help to break the cycles by being present for your children.

How can mindfulness help with parenting? Mindful parents are aware and awake to their actions and the actions of their children. This is very important in bringing up a child. Children need attention (don’t we all?). For children, attention is like love. If they don’t receive sufficient attention, they misbehave until they get that attention – even being told off is preferable to being ignored”. – Shamish Alidina, Mindfulness for Dummies

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting to all children.

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January 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Our Lil’ Bitty 40 Bit Parenting Processor – Lessons in Mindfulness

Lessons in Mindfulness – Our Lil Bitty 40 Bit Parenting Processor

Why is mindfulness so important? Bruce Lipton is a cellular biologist and an internationally recognized authority in bridging science and spirit, author of Biology of Belief, The Wisdom of Your Cells, and Co-author with Steve Bhaerman of  the latest book Spontaneous Evolution. In this latest book they offer this information on what we parents (and all other humans) are up against. While discussing the mind/brain activities involved with the subconscious (genetic and past programming, parental blueprints hotbed) and self-conscious (mindfulness realm), it is interesting to note that the data-processing capacity of the subconscious has been estimated to utilize a large amount of brain mass for interpreting and responding to over 40 million nerve impulses per second. The self-conscious mind/brain prefrontal cortex activities occurs at the blazing (or not so blazing) rate of 40 (that is one zero) nerve impulses per second. They conclude that as an information processor, the subconscious mind is one million times more powerful than the self-conscious mind –with a marginal aptitude for creativity, best compared to that of a precocious five-year-old. Wow! These are the tools in your parenting/human toolbox.

Look at it this way – you have a one million times bigger tool for handling/processing your “emotional” reactions than for choosing your “regulated responses” If this seems staggering to you as an adult (and it should), think of your child dealing with a similar set of tools but without all the experience, wisdom and development that adults have hopefully acquired to self correct.  And we adults still have trouble staying regulated!Bad Behavior Cartoon

To make matters worse – your parenting blueprints downloaded from years of learning from your parents, their parents and the rest of the cultural traditions of parenting dating back to antiquity are all part of this subconscious lightening fast processing unit which overrides our “best intention to change”. Mindfulness is an important tool for overcoming this disadvantage and gives us a doorway for the new love based parenting paradigm. Interested? Of course you are…

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all.


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January 1, 2013 By 1 Comment

Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward All This Year and Forever more…

Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward All
By David Durovy, Editor-in-Chief

Due to technical flaws, this post did not go out for Christmas, but I thought the message timeless and decided to publish anyway. For this delay I apologize.

The reason I decided to work for Post Institute (other than our four adopted and 27 foster kids driving us crazy), was the realization that Bryan Post offers real life solutions not only as great parenting solutions, but solutions for the world’s problems: real, unconditional, spiritual, yet very difficult to achieve – love!

The thing is, just between you and me, love as we commonly refer to it day to day doesn’t really happen much in our world. Oh, it exists mostly as a symbol and a concept, but in that it is mere information (I love you – I love you too, luv ya, etc.) and not the actual experience. There is a world in-between.

Bryan Post and countless others say, “We don’t have all the answers, just one: love.” This is not merely a philosophy, a strategy or another great idea. It is THE way.

With the recent tragedy at Sandy Hook and the constant threat of terrorism, we must begin to realize that building bigger walls and having bigger guns, (Virginia, along with other states are now considering arming teachers with guns as an answer to protecting our children) is no longer getting us where we want to go. In fact, it very likely exacerbates the problem. I am not against guns. I am for love. Albert Einstein said, “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” So what options do we parents have?

Again, not new, not surprising and not easy, the answer is love. If you understand this, then peace is not far behind. When is the last time you looked at your child, spouse, family member or friend, with eyes moist, not really knowing how to put feelings into words, said “I love you” — not as mere information (“love ya”), but, “I would lay down my life for you and I am so very sorry for all the times I hurt you”? If you haven’t had this experience of love recently, try harder, or softer or something else but keep trying.

We cannot have Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All with fear in our hearts and minds. As we experience the holidays, let us do so with a sense of wonder, excitement, and curiosity, bringing forth the greatest gift of all time, love. Let’s transcend the notion that God and Santa reward only the good boys and girls. Bryan Post says, “see the fear, not the anger”. Pat O’Brien, founder of You Gotta Believe, the successful older teen adoption agency says, “kids would rather be mad than sad”. With this understanding in mind, just where are all the “bad” kids?

Let us this year, this decade, this lifetime, and this moment give the gift of seeing the fear and the sadness instead of the behaviors in our kid and just plain ‘ole love’em (no matter what). We might not get Peace on Earth, but maybe Peace in Family. And that may be just where Peace on Earth begins, in our very own hearts and families. The future of the world is in your hands – handle with care, and with love.

Have a most blessed and loving new year, and choose love.

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all.


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December 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Lessons in Parenting Mindfulness #2: You Must Be Present to Win

Lessons in Mindfulness: #2 You Must Be Present to Win

Mindfulness is the ability to slow down enough to watch your own thoughts, sensations, perceptions and behaviors. It’s almost like stepping outside of your self and observing yourself. Through mindfulness, you make the unconscious conscious. An excellent source for parenting with mindfulness is Everyday Blessings by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I highly recommend this book to both parents and professionals.

I talk about mindfulness as one of the most important tools a parent can use to maintain their own state of calm and regulation, and thereby better influence and parent their children. To help you understand what mindfulness is, and how to use it, here are some other views and stories that can help you develop you own mindfulness practice.

According to Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the leading mindfulness researchers, “mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally.”  Simple, elegant, and meaningful. Another way of saying this is, “be here, now”. I know this sounds self-evident (where else would I be?), but consider that what most of us experience is the past, the future or some representation of life and not the actual experience of the present moment. You must be present to win as is said, so let’s use this as a starting point. An example of this is, stop for a moment and just listen. What do you hear that you did not hear just a few moments ago? And if you are sitting, be aware of the chair you are sitting on. Notice any sensations or pressure points from the seat. And the floor beneath your feet… (to be cont’d).

Choose Love,

B.

To purchase of copy of Jon and Myla Kabat Zinn’s book from Amazon, click here.

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all – especially children.

Tired of  “walking on eggshells”? Sick of being a prisoner in your own home? Many of our children have great difficulty staying regulated, as do their parents. Don’t let your frustration, fear, anger and resentments ruin the peace and harmony in your family. Use the Stress Model ™ to help bring back the love that you want for your children, your spouse and for yourself. To learn more about Bryan Post and his unique love based approach to parenting challenging children, click here.


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December 28, 2012 By Leave a Comment

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join’em! Mindfulness in Action

One parent asked a key question – Can I play too?

I talk a lot about mindfulness. I consider it one of the most important tools in the parenting toolbox. But I know that for many it is just a word and the application of it is sometimes sketchy. I love hearing about concrete examples of what it looks like, how to use it, and what you can expect. Angelique Miller wrote us with one great example of just how powerful this tool can be. Try it for yourself and let us know what you come up with.

It’s really just about staying regulated, staying present, and making real connection with my kids. Only then can I truly influence them positively. But sometimes those words sound so lofty and vague, right?

Yeah, but what does that mean?? What does that look like? Here’s a great example that I found worked for me.

Our two kids sometimes get really dysregulated together. It looks like they’re playing but its way too rough. If we leave them alone, it usually escalates to one of them getting hurt and/or something broken, which fans the dysregulation flames when one of them feels like a bad kid. My husband and I usually get scared when we see this rough playing and want to break it up as quickly as possible. There’s no way our kids will go sit in a chair or anything else we might ask when they get like that, which is part of why we get so scared. It’s a seemingly out-of-control situation and we have zero influence—or at least that’s how it feels.

Feeling fairly regulated recently when that happened, I let go of the instant gotta-break-it-up feeling and casually strolled in, waiting for something brilliant to come to me. Although I wasn’t consciously planning it, I was attempting to feel present. Well, it worked because I stood there looking at them wrestling in the bunk bed and the kids, expecting me to get upset, were kind of shocked to hear me say, “Hey, can I play, too?” After a half-second pause, in stereo they replied, “SURE!” and their angry demeanor changed instantly to joy. I don’t know why, but I just really wasn’t expecting that response. I was expecting something with expletives… But anyway, I didn’t have to exert myself physically to play, just played a little bit with tickling fingers, pretend, etc. and then within about ninety seconds I could sense that I was able to suggest moving them onto a calmer activity (or maybe one of them spontaneously decided to go somewhere else, can’t recall since I’ve now done this “technique” several times).

Anyway, how happy I am to find this! That old panic is so instant that I sometimes forget this idea, but when I do it, it’s a great way to handle their dysregulation. Turns out they’ve been begging me to help calm them down, but I was so wrapped up in my fear that I couldn’t hear what they were really saying. — Angelique Miller

Choose Love,

B.

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all.

Tired of  “walking on eggshells”? Sick of being a prisoner in your own home? Many of our children have great difficulty staying regulated, as do their parents. Don’t let your frustration, fear, anger and resentments ruin the peace and harmony in your family. Use the Stress Model ™ to help bring back the love that you want for your children, your spouse and for yourself. To learn more about Bryan Post and his unique love based approach to parenting challenging children, click here.


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December 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Dear Santa, Please Define “Good” – thanks, Susan

Dear Santa, Please Define “Good” – thanks, Susan Durovy (from the Post Parenting Toolbox Series – Thoughts about Christmas)

Susan_new“He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.” Really? Do you think that if our kids are “bad” they won’t get anything under the tree for Christmas? Do we scare our children, especially our adopted/foster ones by telling them this tale? I have said it over the years to my kids. But that was the old paradigm.

It would be a lot cheaper for us and easier since it would control at least the typical kids (attachment challenged excepted), but to what avail? I have thought many times as this season has approached, “If he doesn’t straighten up, stay in school, stop stealing and lying, I am NOT getting him anything. That will teach him I am serious this time”. In fact, I just went through all that recently after I found out that he had keyed a car and caused $2500 in damage – and committed a felony. That is it I thought – I don’t want to buy him anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Then the big sale notice came from Best Buy for the game system $100.00 off the regular price if I buy TODAY. I better get it or I will miss the deal. While shopping for the other kids I see things that I know he will love, so I had better get it now also. Before I know it I have bought him his whole Christmas list and more. Oh well I do still love him and he is “good” every now and then. I am not supposed to punish him because of his behavior; I am supposed to love unconditionally. Oh yeah thank you very much Bryan Post – I keep forgetting that part.

As the holidays get closer I have to keep reminding myself that my child gets so stressed and excited that he is going to act up at home, in school and anywhere else we go. I have to remember what Bryan says in his Holiday Peace: How to Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time. I need to relax and keep him close as we go to the parties and family gatherings. Bryan also says, “You cannot always be there”. So when I am out with my family during the holidays, hanging out with my sisters in endless talk, I may forget about my child. “Whoops, where is he now”? It will happen and it is ok.

So I want to ask this question that my husband asked me when we were talking about good and bad. Define Good? What would Santa’s definition of GOOD be? Where does he draw the line? What does God say Good means? Does He withhold His gifts because we aren’t as good as we should be? How much good is good enough? And, where does “trying to be good” come into play? WOW, what tough questions. My answer is that everyone does things that are or look “bad” in others eyes, But this does not make us bad people, and doesn’t make our children bad people. To make matters more confusing, how many really good people are there anyway?

My son was suspended from 2 different schools on the same day for 2 different reasons during the 3rd week of school and kicked off the bus. He then was sent to an alternative school. He has been suspended from the car that takes him there, also suspended from the alternative school (specifically for behavior challenged children-what’s the point here?) for 2 days. He is still getting into trouble at home doing things he knows (or I think he knows) he should not do. I can only say “Christmas is coming, I can make it worse on everyone by dwelling on his “badness” or I can just love this child and have fun during this stressful time”. I think I will choose “Love”. Not easy, but certainly worth the effort.

Choose Love

Susan

Susan Durovy is an adoptive mom of four, has fostered over 27 children and is a partner in The Post Institute with her husband David. They run the website, retail sales and customer service department.

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all – especially children.


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December 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Parenting Toolbox 28 There is Help, There is Hope, There is Love. Breathe Easy

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November 16, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Attachment Disorder: Fact or Fiction? Pt 2 of 2

by Bryan Post

Continued from 11/14 …
Second, when we diagnose someone with a disorder the person becomes the diagnosis in the eyes of others. Rather than seeing a child we see a RAD child or we see an ADD child. The true definition of a disorder is a temporary state lacking order. All things in the world are designed to work harmoniously; when someone or something is not working harmoniously then it is in a state of disorder. This is not a permanent state, but a state needing restoration toward order. When a child is given a diagnosis of RAD we immediately link the child with all of the negatively behaviors associated with the disorder. Therefore, even when the child is doing well we cannot see it, because the very diagnosis of RAD dictates that the child is only being manipulative. It is common that a child diagnosed RAD will have also been diagnosed as ADHD, Bi-Polar, Oppositional-Defiant, or even Conduct Disordered; this is known as differential diagnosis.  At this point I quote psychiatrist Dorothy Lewis, “Differential diagnosis to doctors means, ‘I’m not sure but these are my hunches.’”

Last, stress research indicates that during times of stress our cellular system constricts into survival mode. This indicates that for both children and adults during times of stress we are prone toward disrupting attachment. Therefore, if a secure system is not intact to repair it then we remain unattached. Quite simply, during times of stress we are all challenged within our attachment systems. Because of this, I believe that there is no such thing as an attachment disordered child, but rather an attachment challenged child. We can all be attachment challenged not just a traumatized child.


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