February 27, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship Pt 4: Compassion

P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L: Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship
Component #4. Compassion is the act of feeling deeply for the life position of another individual.

Life position is defined as the stage of internal growth one has attained through experience. For children, their life position is vastly compromised and so completely dependent upon the responses of the environment.

For example, I took my child to Disney World for a summer vacation. In the flurry and excitement of my own internal frenzy to ensure that she hadCompassion the greatest time possible, I stopped for a moment to reflect upon what I was feeling and what she might be feeling. In an instant, relief flooded my body as I realized how lost she was in the excitement of the experience, and to simply be in the experience from her life position would be an abundant experience. She did not have to do “everything”. All she was to enjoy whatever she was doing, and that might be little, lot or somewhere in between – on her terms, not mine.

I didn’t have to rush all around Disney like a mad man; I could simply allow my child to experience life from her seven-year-old position. I was able to experience deeply a sense of compassion for her youth that I had seldom felt. To this day I continue to reflect on the essence of that moment to allow me to connect to my child on a deep and compassionate level. Being mindful of a child’s point of view, seeing things through the eyes of a child — not yours is is the doorway to compassion.

Choose Compassion,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.


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February 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship Pt 2: Empathy

P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L: Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship
Component #2 Empathy

Empathy is the ability to experience and identify with the emotional state of another person. It is important to understand that there are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. Often times that which looks opposite to love is stemming from fear.

Understanding the primary emotions will assist you in the process of empathy. This ability is one of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship between a parent and child. One of the most common misconceptions among parents is that a child displaying aggressive behavior is angry.

This shows a lack of empathy and leads the parent to respond as if he is relating to an angry child, which in turn builds up defensive barriers in the child. Once you begin to view your child as angry and untrusting, you fail to empathize with him. It is very difficult for you to move from a place of anger at your child if you are not able to empathize and identify with what your child is actually feeling.

Remember to work diligently to see the fear underneath the anger. Your own personal history and upbringing may get in the way of empathy as well. We have all experienced various traumas of childhood. You need to be careful to empathize with what your child is actually feeling, rather than assuming he is feeling what you felt as a child.

It is important not to react from an unconscious desire to rescue your child from the pain that you may have felt yourself as a child, or to compensate for something missing in the your own interpersonal life. The longer you live with unresolved traumas in your own life, the further down inside you bury them, and they become deeply ingrained into your unconscious drives.

The task of being empathetic becomes a two-fold experience. One, for the parent to be aware of his own unconscious and past issues; and two, to look beyond seeing his child as angry, and to identify with the child’s true feelings. This empathetic connection will make parenting a much more mutually satisfying experience.

Choose Empathy,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

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January 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Lessons in Mindfulness for Dummies and Other Parents

Lessons in Mindfulness for Dummies Author Worth Listening To

Because parenting requires no training (not that it shouldn’t but that anyone can become a parent as we know), and is likely the most important yet most difficult job on planet earth, the future of the world is at stake. Historically, though there have been many improvements in the quality of life, it appears that parenting, in general, has not benefited as much. We still tend to parent from the same mindset/paradigm that has been used for centuries. Reward and punishment, behavior modification and consequences — the most often used tools in our parenting toolbox. We still have prisons, and worse now is that we have a large percentage of children who age out of the foster care system end up in prison.

So one thing leads to another and the stories continue. Either we see the past as the way to a better future (huh?), or we don’t see the past, we just see our idea of what the future could be like if our kids just did what they were supposed to. That would mean that adults did what they were supposed to do. Little evidence, in general, that this is happening. So how do we escape the wheel that offers the opportunity to run faster and faster getting nowhere different even quicker? Ahhhhh. Take a breath for starters.

Mindfulness author Shamish Alidina has some words of helpful advice about mindful parenting:

“I think that parenting is the most difficult, stressful, important and probably most fulfilling responsibility in the world. A good parent needs not only to nurture the child with food, shelter and clothing, but to develop the child’s mind too. Your behavior as a parent often reflects what your own parents were like even if you want to change and improve upon certain areas. However, parents often end up repeating the cycles in subtle ways, passing on unhelpful behaviors (my emphasis here). Fortunately, mindful parenting can help to break the cycles by being present for your children.

How can mindfulness help with parenting? Mindful parents are aware and awake to their actions and the actions of their children. This is very important in bringing up a child. Children need attention (don’t we all?). For children, attention is like love. If they don’t receive sufficient attention, they misbehave until they get that attention – even being told off is preferable to being ignored”. – Shamish Alidina, Mindfulness for Dummies

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting to all children.

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October 31, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Oxytocin and Emotion—What Is Oxytocin? Part 2

by Bryan Post

A healthy brain releases oxytocin in response to positive social cues. For example, when a mother cuddles her child, both of their brains should release oxytocin. The oxytocin travels into their bloodstreams, where it relaxes them and encourages cellular repair. It also enters the parts of their brain that process social information, making them feel secure and loving.

Humans are hard-wired to not only enjoy but to need to be close to other humans. Scientists think this is because, in the brains of highly social mammals – including monkeys, wolves, many birds and humans — the social centers are highly sensitive to both oxytocin and dopamine, the chemical of reward-seeking and pleasure. This combination makes socializing very pleasurable and calming. When we’re close to people we trust, the interaction of oxytocin and dopamine leads to us feeling happy and secure. But  there is one very big IF in all this. When we say that humans are hard-wired to connect, we mean that our brains have this potential. But the desire for social interaction and the brain’s ability to release oxytocin are not automatic. This is a learned response, and it can fail to develop or its development can be thwarted.

For an excellent parenting resource for learning how Oxytocin works in the family, read about Oxytocin Parenting by Bryan Post and Susan Kutchinskas.


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October 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Oxytocin and Emotion— Pt 1: What Is Oxytocin?

by Bryan Post

To understand love is to understand the oxytocin response. Oxytocin is truly a miracle molecule. As the body’s chemical of rest, relaxation and balance, it does all sorts of wonderful and important things. We’ll talk more about those later’ but the key thing you need to understand for healthy, happy parenting is that oxytocin is responsible for love.

That’s right. Oxytocin acting in your brain and your body creates the experience we know as love. That’s love in all its dimensions: friendship, the love between parent and child, and the love between you and your mate. It’s also responsible for most of the other positive feelings we have for other people, from the quick exchange of smiles with a stranger you pass, to admiration for a co-worker, to the way you trust your car mechanic not to rip you off.

Oxytocin does all this — and more — in two ways. First, it calms the brain’s fear center. Then, it activates the brain’s social center, making you feel good about interacting with someone. Calming the fear center is crucial. Fear is one of our strongest survival mechanisms, helping us survive physical danger. But it’s usually not the best reaction to social situations. When you’re anxious or afraid, you can’t see things clearly. You may see someone as threatening when he has no intention of harming you. You’re on guard and shut down, as fear chemicals race through your bloodstream.

Oxytocin counteracts the fear chemicals, relaxing you and making you able to see other people as potentially friendly and trustworthy. At the same time, when it activates the brain’s social center, it actually makes you desire social contact.

For an excellent parenting resource for learning how Oxytocin works in the family, read about Oxytocin Parenting by Bryan Post and Susan Kutchinskas.


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October 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

How to Chill Out Guide for Parents and Caregivers by Bryan Post & Susan Kutchinskas

In the event of an  emergency, put the oxygen — or oxytocin — mask on yourself first, and then help the person beside you. Here are three simple ways to trigger your oxytocin response when you need a quick dose of calm:

1. Ten deep breaths: People always tell you to take a deep breath because it really works.
It’s difficult to breathe slowly and deeply when you’re stressed and, conversely, breathing as though you feel calm tells the body/mind to relax. Inhale slowly through your nose, counting to 10. Then, exhale for another count of 10, trying to empty your lungs completely. Don’t gasp or force in more air than your lungs can hold; just find a comfortable, consistent pace for drawing air in and out. Repeat 10 times.

2. Make eye contact: Gazing into the eyes of someone you’re close to helps trigger the oxytocin response. Our brains naturally switch into the mode of connection when we look into each others eyes. It’s not necessary to stare or get into a contest to see who blinks first. Instead, feel free to look away for a moment and then return your gaze to the other person’s.

3. Hug: A hug is a safe, socially acceptable way to get a little hit of connection when we need it. (Although it seems like an obvious oxytocin producer, scientists haven’t studied the effects of hugging on oxytocin levels.) Hugging brings us back to our baseline of calm and connection.

Source: Oxytocin Parenting by Bryan Post and Susan Kutchinskas
(Available here for Kindle – Limited time only .99 cents!)


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October 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

You and Your Mate – How to Work Together

It takes two to tangle, but the emotional tangle can be even harder to unravel when you and your mate each bring your own struggle with fear to your relationship. Sex should deepen and reaffirm a couple’s bond. But it may not work that way.

If you’ve suffered sexual abuse, physical intimacy may trigger unconscious fear — fear that you try to work out by avoiding deep emotional intimacy. If you grew up in a home with a depressed or angry parent, or parents who were emotionally absent, you probably didn’t get enough opportunities to develop a strong oxytocin response. Your emotional thermostat may be turned up too high — your fear response is too strong. Your love response may not be strong enough to overcome your fear of others.

As an adult, you may be able to fall in love and get into a relationship, because nature gave us lots of dopamine, the chemical of reward-seeking and pleasure, to get us over our fear of strangers so that we could find a mate. But once the excitement of dopamine wears off, we need the oxytocin response to keep us together.

If we’re not pumping out lots of oxytocin — sex, cuddling, sleeping side by side, eating together — it may be a struggle to keep our fear in check. When you first get into relationship, you’re experiencing all this oxytocin and dopamine, and it feels great. But what used to feel good doesn’t feel so good anymore. Now, intimacy feels uncomfortable or threatening, while conflict escalates. If this is a pattern you fall into with your mate, you can see how it would complicate your parenting. When both regress emotionally, how can you act as a stable parent to your child?

I’m not saying that you won’t be able to employ the oxytocin parenting strategies successfully until and unless you have no fear. I am  saying is that you may need to use the same strategies to help each other move out of the place of fear and into a place where you can calmly connect with each other again and help your child regulate.


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June 22, 2012 By 1 Comment

Emotional Weather – How to Raise a Happy Child

Want to know how to raise a happy child? – Edward Tronick, an associate professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Children’s Hospital Boston, says that, very early, babies develop a predominant mood. That is, one baby becomes more likely to be content while another one develops the habit of being anxious. While every baby is capable of a wide range of emotions and moods, the tendency to develop a habitual mood is shaped both by her internal state and her parents’ emotional input.
According to Tronick’s theory, your baby normally cycles through different states in which she’s more or less receptive to being in a certain mood. You can encourage that mood or not. For example, in some parts of the cycle, she’s more receptive to positive emotions. If you play with her while she’s in this part of the cycle, she’ll react with joy and fall into a positive mood. After that first bit of play, it will take even less to make her smile and laugh.
On the other hand, if she’s not in the part of the cycle when she’s receptive to joy, she may not respond to your tickles and giggles. She will also naturally be more susceptible to negative emotions at different times. When she’s in a cranky mood, it doesn’t take much to get her crying, while it’s harder to please her. Tronick thinks that the intensity of the emotion you show to your baby combined with how long you interact that way influences how deep into that mood the baby will sink and how long it will last. Quite simply, a happy mother will be more likely to raise a happy baby, while a grouchy mom can increase the susceptibility to bad moods. This is not to say that your baby should never be fussy and always happy. Remember that it’s natural for her to cycle through these moods.  Excerpt from Oxytocin Parenting by Bryan Post & Chemistry of Connection author Susan Kutchinskas

Oxytocin Parenting – Great for any age child (or spouse, boss, friend and more) Available in Kindle format still as of this date, introductory price is only .99 Cents!!!


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June 19, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Mindfulness Enhances Multi-Tasking at the Office – Why Not at Home?

B Mindful. Especially if you have to walk and breathe at the same time… and especially if you have children.

I often talk about the value of mindfulness for parents to track their own emotional states. An emotionally drained, angry or reactive parent will only serve to strengthen the negative feedback loops unless they can mindfully regulate themselves so they can step back, Breathe, and practice the 3 R’s (Reflect, Relate, Regulate).

Mindfulness: Paying attention on purpose non-judgmentally to the present moment – Jon Kabat-Zinn

Here’s some of the latest research in the effectiveness of Mindfulness/Meditation regarding Multi-Tasking at work. Hey, aren’t mom’s pretty much always multi-tasking?

ScienceDaily (June 14, 2012) — Need to do some serious multitasking? Some training in meditation beforehand could make the work smoother and less stressful, new research from the University of Washington shows.Science

Work by UW Information School professors David Levy and Jacob Wobbrock suggests that meditation training can help people working with information stay on tasks longer with fewer distractions and also improves memory and reduces stress.

Their paper was published in the May edition of Proceedings of Graphics Interface.

Levy, a computer scientist, and Wobbrock, a researcher in human-computer interaction, conducted the study together with Information School doctoral candidate Marilyn Ostergren and Alfred Kaszniak, a neuropsychologist at the University of Arizona.

“To our knowledge, this is the first study to explore how meditation might affect multitasking in a realistic work setting,” Levy said. Read Full Article click here.

Always Choose Love – and Always B Mindful. — B

 


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June 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Let’s Talk Mom Radio Show with Bianca and Philip and Guest Bryan Post

Bryan Post has mostly only two, maybe three things (four at the most) things to say or talk about, but says them very well, often and with inspiring clarity: Parenting, Love, Oxytocin and I love books – (and an occasional “cerveza por favor”.)

Lets Talk Radio Show Life, Love & Parenting with Bianca and Philip had Bryan talking about Loving Relationships on their June 14th AM 1490 WGCH Radio Show. Bryan Post, a frequent guest on the Let’s Talk Mom Radio Show June 14th discussed Couples Relationships – not parenting but Loving Relationships. You may want to fast forward as he is the second guest on the show that day. Look for the image “On Air” with a date of June 14. http://theletstalkmom.com/the-radio-show/


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