The Art of Curiosity by Sherrie Boles-Rogers

Sherrie Boles-Rogers, author and creator of the website The Parenting Heart, posted a 'to the point' article recently that spoke directly to our parents.

Do you yell?  Do you put her in time-out?  Do you lecture, threaten, punish?  All of the above?  Do you casually push your cart past

Sherrie Boles-Rogers

Sherrie Boles-Rogers

the melt-down in the cereal aisle pretending you don't know the small creature writhing about?Trust me, I know how difficult it is to keep yourself together when you child is "misbehaving" or "losing it."  Not too long ago, it wasn't uncommon, while Krogering, for the manager to open a special check-out line just for me in order to expedite getting me and my screaming banshee out of there!

But what I have found over the years is that the strategies listed above have several unintended results. Namely, (a) they tend to exacerbate the problem instead of solve it (especially with a strong-willed child), (b) they don't help the child think about what they've done...or why...or how they might solve the problem differently next time, and (c) they don't help parents feel competent and effective".

Instead, she suggests, is to "develop the art of curiosity:  What's the Feeling (WTF)?  What's the Need (WTN)? Developing honest curiosity about your child's emotional life leads to greater understanding and a stronger connection." For more of Sherrie's parenting wisdom visit her blog.

Baby, You Are a Parenting Superstar (Pt. 2)

(...click here if you missed Part 1)
How many life lessons must you learn? When will this school of life hold a graduation ceremony? When will you be able to sleep a full night, stress and worry free? When will you go through a day with ease and grace, loved completely by your family with no tears, no anger, no fear? The answers to these questions you may never know but each moment, each hour, each day, you continue, and still find time for a laugh, for a breath, for a moment to be gracious. Baby, you are a Parenting Super Star!

Love becomes fear. Hope becomes despair. Joy becomes sadness. You cry. You stress. You worry. You toss and you turn. The school calls again. Another curse word, another broken possession, another disrupted family dinner. You wail inside and sometimes openly, "Oh Lord why has thou forsaken me to the desert barren of hope and peace? What have I done to be stricken by the one thousand locusts all wrapped into one ungrateful, defiant child? Where is my blessing?" And with each rising sun you get up and do it again. Baby, you are a Parenting Super Star!

For you see, fear is the common way. It is, in fact, the broad and wide. Many will travel this path. Love is the straight and narrow. There are few that will follow this path. Even fewer will lead their families down it. And there are many more that will judge you for traveling it. It is also a fact that this judgment will make your task even more difficult and this is as it shall be. Without the pressure, without the conflict, without the heat of the fire, the diamond could not emerge from the coal. Fear not your journey, your path, or for that of your child. Walk the path of love, the straight and narrow, and continue to get up after you have stumbled, as you surely will. You will see. You will see. Baby, you are a Parenting Super Star!

Choose Love,
B

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GBB Audio sIf you want in-depth understanding with challenging behaviors, start here...The Great Behavior Breakdown book began here with The Great Behavior Breakdown 13 CD Audio Program contains valuable and fascinating information about the roots and remedies of challenging behaviors. Covers specific tools and techniques for helping parents overcome some of the most problematic behaviors demonstrated by their children. To read more about this 13 hour CD program , just click here. (The Great Behavior Breakdown is also available as a paperback, Kindle  and PDF e-book - Click Here)

Baby, You Are a Parenting Super Star (Pt. 1)

Go in the bathroom and stand in the mirror, I have something to tell you. Ready?

You are a magnificent parent. You are a wonderful human being. You are bold, brave, courageous, passionate and most of all full of love. You have taken all that life has handed you and still yet, you stand. You have been unwavering in your commitment to create a better life for your child, for your family. True, you have stumbled, felt frustrated, not wanted to get back up. You have felt resentment, isolation, loneliness, and sometimes even hatred more times than you might wish to admit it, but you are still here. Baby, you are a Parenting Super Star!

You didn't expect to encounter so many challenges on your parenting path. You thought that you had gone through the roughest patches in your life, and could look forward to some fun and loving times ahead. Yet, even when the sun went away and the clouds set in, you did not give up. You did not turn away. When the beach you laid out on became an unbearable mountain to climb, you've not packed up and gone home. Baby, you are a Parenting Super Star! (Read more here...)

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GBB Audio sIf you want in-depth understanding with challenging behaviors, start here...The Great Behavior Breakdown book began here - The Great Behavior Breakdown 13 CD Audio Program contains valuable and fascinating information about the roots and remedies of challenging behaviors. Covers specific tools and techniques for helping parents overcome some of the most problematic behaviors demonstrated by their children. To read more about this 13 hour CD program , just click here. (The Great Behavior Breakdown is also available as a paperback, Kindle  and PDF e-book - Click Here)
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What do chronic lying, stealing, fire setting, killing animals, and hoarding food have in common? Everything.

by Bryan Post

Each of these behaviors is related to a psychiatric diagnosis that is quickly becoming recognized by mental health professionals across the nation. Reactive Attachment Disorder, once a little known, seldom recognized mental health diagnosis, has become the new buzz word of the mental health industry. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) was first introduced about twenty years ago. Since that time much of the information regarding this disorder has painted a dismal and often dangerous picture of those diagnosed with it, most often children. Books and articles have compared children with RAD to serial killers, rapist, and hard-core criminals. Unconventional parenting techniques have been taught to parents in order to control these children—children referred to as “disturbed” or “unattached.”

The main premise of RAD is that the child cannot form positive, lasting relationships. The RAD child seems unable to socially connect with or attach to others. Many of their behaviors appear very frightening, and downright dangerous, leaving parents feeling resented, blamed, and chastised by others. Such behaviors include defiance; frequent and intense anger outbursts, manipulative or controlling patterns; little or no conscience; destructive to self, others, and property; gorging or hoarding food; and preoccupation with fire, blood, or violence. For more information on RAD and these associated behaviors  visit www.postinstitute.com or www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com.

The causes are complicated. Typically any traumatic experience occurring within the first 0 to 5 years of life can create the potential for attachment challenges. For example, physical or sexual abuse, neglect, parental depression, premature birth, birth trauma, domestic violence, or frequent moves can all be indicators. Such events impact the child’s ability to tolerate stress and anxiety, exposing them to ongoing states of fear. Over time, his constant state of fear leads to an inability to trust others even after years of diligent care.

The purpose of these posts is to educate and offer solutions to parents, teachers, and professionals struggling to care for children that have been diagnosed (or not diagnosed) with reactive attachment disorder. There is hope. There can be a happy ending to your family story. The good news is that you as an adult can control the process, even though you may not be able to control yourself or your child. It is the process that is the healing balm to soothe the wounds and not the Band-Aids that you try to throw on out of your own fear, frustration (anger) and cultural parenting patterns you grew up with. Just keep thinking…. Happily Ever After. It doesn’t have to be just a fairy tale.

How to Chill Out Guide for Parents and Caregivers by Bryan Post & Susan Kutchinskas

In the event of an  emergency, put the oxygen -- or oxytocin -- mask on yourself first, and then help the person beside you. Here are three simple ways to trigger your oxytocin response when you need a quick dose of calm:

1. Ten deep breaths: People always tell you to take a deep breath because it really works.
It's difficult to breathe slowly and deeply when you're stressed and, conversely, breathing as though you feel calm tells the body/mind to relax. Inhale slowly through your nose, counting to 10. Then, exhale for another count of 10, trying to empty your lungs completely. Don't gasp or force in more air than your lungs can hold; just find a comfortable, consistent pace for drawing air in and out. Repeat 10 times.

2. Make eye contact: Gazing into the eyes of someone you're close to helps trigger the oxytocin response. Our brains naturally switch into the mode of connection when we look into each others eyes. It's not necessary to stare or get into a contest to see who blinks first. Instead, feel free to look away for a moment and then return your gaze to the other person's.

3. Hug: A hug is a safe, socially acceptable way to get a little hit of connection when we need it. (Although it seems like an obvious oxytocin producer, scientists haven't studied the effects of hugging on oxytocin levels.) Hugging brings us back to our baseline of calm and connection.

Source: Oxytocin Parenting by Bryan Post and Susan Kutchinskas
(Available here for Kindle - Limited time only .99 cents!)

Hello, Here is a question for all of you. What do you do when your child won’t stop taking food from the pantry and hiding it in their room? Please read and answer the different questions that come up and add questions of your own that you may need help with so we can all get ideas from each other and help each other. My example: My 17 year old hides food and wrappers under his mattress even when he knows we will find it. HELP!!! —-Susan D.

A public thank you from a friend in the UK

To David Durovy & Bryan Post

Whom sent me copies of Bryan's books, "From Fear, To Love" & "The Great Behaviour Breakdown", both by email and hard copies by post.

Thank you so much.

I doubt many people in the UK will have heard of Bryan Post or the Post Institute (http://www.postinstitute.com/) but Bryan is clearly a generous man and a man of passion and a special understanding within his field. All parent's, whether of adopted children or whether biological parents, should read his books and watch his videos. The world is a better place because of people like Bryan, who truly understands the importance of love, compassion & understanding.  The books are not available through Amazon UK (and should be!!!) so if you are a parent, whether adoptive or not, and want a copy then approach the institute directly.

Amazon UK do have "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" which is co-authored br Bryan.

I believe the single most important thing for the future of humanity, is working towards a true understanding of our nature, and Bryan is definitely one of the knights on that quest.

Sir, you have my utmost respect and gratitude!!

 

“Bryan, I want to be one of the parents you talk about…”

A story from the Great Behavior Breakdown by B. Bryan Post. Read more about the specific ways you can reduce challenging behaviors like this at http://www.postinstitute.com/store/books.html.

In the middle of one of Bryan Post’s lectures, a woman stood up and said, "Bryan, I want to be one of the parents you talk about." Everyone in the room laughed, including Bryan, and he said, "I want you to be one of the parents I talk about." This was a grandmother raising her granddaughter. She said, "I’m going to try this stuff, and I’ll let you know how it worked." Months later, she showed up at another lecture and said, "I’ve got something to tell you. The day after your lecture, I picked my granddaughter up from school. It was always a bad day be-cause she never wanted to leave. She always gave me defiance and back talk. But this day, I walked in and was going to be calm. I got there early and was breathing, and I said, ‘Honey, it’s time to go.’ And she started in with the same dynamics as usual, so I said, ‘Grandma feels scared right now.’ My granddaughter stopped, looked at me, and said, ‘Grandma, what are you afraid of? Are you scared someone is going to hurt me? Are you scared someone is going to hurt you?’ I said, ‘No, honey. I’m scared because every day is like this, and the evening is like this. And we’re not having a very good relationship.’" Her granddaugh-ter looked at her and said, "Grandma, everything’s going to be okay." And they walked out of that school hand in hand. "That was the best day we have ever had," she told Bryan. All of this happened as a result of: Reflect, Relate, and Regulate.

None of this is easy to do and sometimes you have to stop yourself and ask the question, "Is what I've been doing working?" Most of the time the answer is no, so you've got to change your parenting paradigm.

Choose love...