Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired?

The fact that our children's behaviors affects parents so personally and deeply is a critical issue. It is heart wrenching, heart breaking and depressing at times to have to "put up" with our children's behaviors - especially when it affects us so directly (hitting, spitting, hurtful words etc). It takes a lot of personal work on the part of parents to be able to "just be" with our children in a way that does not add fuel to their fire, and "allows" for the parent to accept the child "as they are in that moment". We cannot change the present, but we can influence the future as we all know. The place to do this however is not in our minds... in our understanding but at a "feeling-felt-perception" place. This allowing our own personal discomfort to be experienced to the fullest - not as in "enjoy the pain" but merely to allow it to unfold and move on with the insights presented in those "gifts" to be used as "fuel" for greater compassion and love for ourselves, our children and for all others as well. The way out is through and does not require fixing, sedating,or other techniques to "make it go away". Or, we can always choose to re-act over and over and over and … until we are sick and tired of being sick and tired enough to finally say “enough”. And yes, easier to say than to do, but what else do we have on our agenda as children of God but to learn to love?

Comments

  1. Thanks for the reminder.We have been under such stress due to a cross continental move, new house, new jobs, new school and lots of losses. We were all needing something, the apple basket was running empty. We forgot the basics of time in and loving through the fear. It has been a humbling experience because we thought we had it pretty much together, yes there were challenges but we were ok, we felt resilient. I needed to go back and look at your words of wisdom, they are simple, but true and bring healing.Thank God you are there for us, the parents…we need you x

  2. I have a question for Bryan or one of your staff. My 16 year old adopted a daughter has been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder while incarcerated in a juvenile jail. This led me to read two of your books which I found very helpful and insightful. My wife does not believe she has such an disorder because she behaved very well during incarceration. She believes the bad behaviors we experience are choices. Can a child with such disorders behave while incarcerated and exhibit behaviors associated with such a disorder as soon as she returned home? This is causing severe family problems in fact my wife has left our family. God bless you & yours.

    • Bryan Post says:

      This is similar to children who behave wonderfully at home or school, and do the opposite in the other. The issue is, where does a child/person/adult feel most threatened or stressed. I have a son who is now in jail and he loves it because he doesn’t have to do anything other than what he is told. It is a “safe” place for him where the world at large is not “safe”. Identifying the threat though is not always obvious. For example, the home may be thought to be a “safe” place but if the relationships/attachment could be threatened due to behaviors, then the home may be perceived as ‘not safe’ for the child and be the trigger for behaviors. Start from, if there behaviors are negative, there is stress/threat. Then figure it out from there to reduce the threat or stress.

      • Carol Kuegeler says:

        Hi Bryan,

        My niece is now 17 and in spite of my work to love her unconditionally, her behavior has escalated to the point where she is stealing from me and even from another student at school. She shows no remorse and refuses to participate in helping with household work. She spends a lot of time on her hair and makeup, but her environment is unsanitary and has evidence of mice.

        She had a 3.8 GPA and is now failing most everything but band. She has been tardy and has unexcused absences because she was “sick”. Now she has revealed that she is bulimic. We have recently been referred for in-home counseling.

        You have met with us in our home and you know that we live alone and have had major losses over the last three years.

        My niece has been with me for eight years now and I have worked with my own counselor and have taken her for help as well. I feel like a failure sometimes and feel like I probably should have done more. I am traumatized. The holidays have found me exhausted and ready to give up. I feel guilty because I do not trust her at all, I don’t feel “attached” and I resent how wonderful she behaves for most everyone else. Friends take her places to give me time off, and I appreciate their caring ways. I feel like she’s being rewarded by them and is being treated like a princess, while I’m left alone at home too exhausted to get out to take care of myself. I want my life back

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