Parenting Without Shame, Threats and Isolation – Part 1 of 3

No Shame, No Threats, No Isolation

No Shame: Parenting is hard. Simple, but hard. Bryan Post offers three simple things to avoid in a love based parenting paradigm. I have found these tips to be invaluable as they help keep me from triggering the negative feedback loops I so often get stuck in. Eliminating these three bad parenting behaviors has allowed me to be less authoritative and more influential in my parenting - thereby more loving. Although they are indeed simple to define, they are in my experience difficult to overcome. Mindfulness, discernment, and perseverance has shown me where the potholes lie, and gives me the choice to avoid or step into with my interactions with my children. Seeing where the potholes lie is more than half the battle.

Lets break them down even further into simple steps with benchmarks so we can watch them as they occur, and then make the needed changes to our own behaviors as parents. Often we are perplexed about what we should do, so I offer these "what not do to" from Bryan in hopes that the path of  "what to do" will be made clear. Sometimes it seems that just by cleaning up a messy room or desk is all that is needed to see what needs to be done. So lets just clean up some of our messy parenting habits and see what shows up...

What follows is Part 1 of a 3 Part series.

Today's lesson is No Blame or Shame as in "I will not blame or shame my child (remember blame and shame smell the same). Would you blame or shame a baby? Of course not. Would you punish a 6 month old? Would you shame a one legged man for falling down?

What is the difference? Often times it is the physical age (not the emotional or maturity level) we are reacting to, and other times it is simply our expectation level (or that of those around us) that causes us to stumble and fall and start shaming and blaming our children. If as I believe, our children are not only "not wrong" for the state that they are in - if you had the history that they have you and I would be doing the same things they do), but they are just struggling to survive as best as the know how - and who could blame/shame them for that?

If you are bound and determined to break free of the old reward/punishment, behavior modification paradigm, here is a next step:

Watch what you say. Look for words like... "What were you thinking? What's wrong with you anyway? How could you do such a thing? What are you-a two year old? Don't make me... (as if they could actually make you, but let's just make them feel like it is their fault that I feel this way)....How could you be.... such an idiot, so stupid... or your particular variety of shaming/blaming words and behaviors (you fill in the blanks).

Good indicators that you are in a blame/shame mode of parenting:

Your voice is getting louder, yelling or screaming because you believe "if it doesn't work do it louder";

You are not smiling, happy, loving or compassionate when you speak because you are not at this moment and don't want to be because you believe that if you are happy and loving you will not be effective or have control (dominance vs influence);

You are pointing your finger for greater emphasis because your words have no influence and, since you don't actually want to hit you "hit" with your finger -- for now;

You are waiting for your child make the first move toward conciliation rather than you - the adult parent, with more knowledge, resources and experience take the initiative because... maybe you think the child is smarter or can better manage their emotional immaturity?

Homework: Be mindful of the words that you use to blame or shame your child. Write them down. Work with your spouse or other children to help remind you and point out the things that you resolve to stop doing when they see it. Then be open to their support. Admit when you take the wrong approach (blame/shame) and try something else (like love, understanding, relationship and influence).

Send us an email and let us know what you come up with this week. Remember this quote from Toolbox #3: It is not just the words that you use, (words are only 30% of communication) but the feeling you have when you say the words, that is most important. Whenever possible, have at least a slight smile when you speak. It can do wonders not only for your child, but for you as it can change your entire state of being. It is hard to be mad and smiling at the same time.

-- David Durovy

Have you read Bryan Post's FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

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About Bryan Post

Parenting Attachment Challenged Children "Hands-On" Home Study Course
Can there really be peace in the family with my child? This is the best of our parent training materials all rolled up into one exciting, do it at your own speed course for dealing with children with Attachment Issues. You will be amazed at the progress you will make once you start working with this program. Includes the new 5 hour course on DVD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 hours of video and much, much more.  You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder. To read more, just click here.


For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
  • – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comWhere Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them


  1. I can’t find part 2 or 3 of this article. Can you help me?

  2. I have a son, adopted from Guatemala, who is 4 and has been diagnosed with RAD and SPD. It is a challenge to parent him yet once one knows all the keys to parenting with love, it isn’t as hard of a challenge. He responds MUCH better to this kind of parenting, believe me. I have a blog which I write about parenting and daily struggles.

  3. Brilliant! I love this. I love everything you write. You are rescuing my family from me! Thank you! I also read the last post your wife wrote. Beautiful and convicting! We recently started an adoption parenting group to help encourage and educate adoptive parents. I told everyone about your excellent work. To me, it reflects the gospel!

  4. Thank you. Great words to help me with my children: don’t blame them for who they are; body language speaks loudly, smile, and watch what I say. Being mindful of all this because it is not the natural way for me. It’s like swimming upstream but hopefully as I implement these ways it will become easier.

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