Parenting Each Other: Co-Regulating as Spouses/Partners

You and your mate co-regulate, just as you do with your child. When your mate becomes dysregulated, you may too, and vice versa. If you've practiced regulation techniques that replace cortisol and adrenaline with oxytocin, you can help your mate come back into regulation -- to calm down. It's much harder to co-regulate an adult than it is a child, because the adult's brain is so much more developed. But it can be done.

If you're stressed or even having a fight with your mate, it may seem difficult to stay connected. Establish ahead of time that, when things heat up, either of you can ask for a "connection break."

The process of healing in your relationship begins when each of you can see through the coldness or anger to the fear, and then help the other come back to a place of calm and love. We'll go over some ways you can chill out yourself and your mate. Remember, until you and your mate can learn to help each other move through fear, it will be harder to help your child.


  • We all have a natural healing ability.
  • We are innately equipped to heal ourselves, our families and our children.
  • The more you spend time working on yourself and your own process, the more you open up and can make that healing possible for the rest of your family.

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