In my work with families I encounter parents who have experienced deep pain during childhood at the hands of their own parents, and the first thing they generally say is, “Oh I have forgiven my parents.”

Without a doubt when I hear this I sense deeply within myself an individual who has not fully embraced the understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process of self-awareness and self-acceptance, which allows us to see our actions both positive and negative and take responsibility for them as opposed to feeling blamed, which leads to guilt.

In other words, it is the human condition to blame ourselves for all things negative.

Regrettably this takes the place in the form of shaming, and denial of ones feelings, and a building up of a sense of ones lack of worth. The abused child comes to believe that they are the reason for the abuse.

If only they could behave better.

The abused child as an adult comes to deny the feeling of not being good enough and reinforces this negative self-picture with a misconception of forgiving her parents. In fact, this only fosters her sense of shame and denial. Rather, the adult must come to the deeply emotional awakening that she must forgive herself for the years spent devaluing, blaming, and shaming her beautiful self.

Until we can forgive ourselves we cannot forgive others fully. All else becomes face value, simply surface. For parents in their interaction with their own children it is essential to see their own inherent parental shortcomings. We must strive to do the best that we can but also realize we will make mistakes as our parents also made mistakes.

When the mistakes occur, as surely they will, we must first forgive ourselves for our imperfections and then seek forgiveness from our children. Forgiveness should also come with the promise and effort to do better next time. As God forgives us so should we forgive ourselves and seek forgiveness from others.

The word comes from French meaning ‘to make or put in’ courage. Courage comes from the Latin root cor which mean heart. The courage to do something is about putting your heart in it. It is easy to encourage our children to be good, or behave or be ‘normal’. But do we really encourage them to put their heart in whatever they do – or to encourage them in their interests and special talents, what they love even if it a bit strange or meaningless?

Have you ever had the experience as an adult of wanting to do something new? Maybe you were considering a new job or a major purchase, but were feeling unsure. What did you need? What did you eventually receive?

Ultimately, when life presents us with a challenge, the sheer magnitude of the fear we create can lead us to fall back and not make an effort. For children, this experience happens daily. Simply the effort to work on a homework assignment alone can present an enormous degree of fear for a child.

Imagine the significance of a simple, “You can do it, I have faith in you,” for a child when facing a life obstacle. It is the “I have faith in you” part that is even more important for our kids.

As we encourage our children in daily life experiences we are endowing them with a deep sense of their ability to trust themselves in the endeavors they pursue. As a child growing up I can recall, with the greatest sensation of love and never an ill word spoken towards my endeavors. From seven years of age when I wanted to start a lemonade stand on the corner block, to an adult when I desire to build a fortress for family healing, I received nothing but loving support.

Encouragement is one of the purest blessings we can ever bestow upon our children.

Choose Encouragement,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

Just a quick note to let you know that Post Parenting Toolbox 29 hit the streets this week. Here is a piece of it, and there is lots more about what is new at the Post Institute and what we have in store for you in 2013. It’s Simple Really – Less is More…

I received a note from a caseworker that shows just how simple this love based model is and I felt I had to share it with you. Many of our parents wonder where to start. Wherever they are at any moment is a good place. Here is a simple clue.

She wrote saying “I had a mother call me telling me that her 7 year old daughter was “freakin out, throwing one of her fits”…..Mom had put child in her room and closed the door and I could hear the child screaming at the top of her lungs and either hitting the door or throwing things at the door……I told the mother to go into the child’s room and just sit on the bed and stare at the floor. Within 30 seconds that child was calmed down, not completely but almost…….in about 45 seconds that child was not screaming or talking loud at all and within a minute of that the child and the mother were talking about getting dinner ready”. How simple is that? (Ed. note: For more of where to start, read Kirk Martin’s (founder of Celebrate Calm) advice telling parents to Just Shut Up!

With all the email, e-Newsletters, Facebook messages, Tweets and Mobile text messages you get, we thought we would try to do things a bit differently. We will be experimenting for awhile with designs so please hand with us during our re-construction time. We know you want help for your family. You want it short and sweet, and you want it now. We will try to give you expert advice, timely news and information in bite sized pieces. We will as always also offer you such things as videos, audio recordings and links that you can take advantage of at your own pace. We are here for you and because of you. So, what do you need, what you want (and don’t want) and how you would like it? Just like “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”, if the parents ain’t happy, Bryan Post ain’t happy”. So please let us know. Get Happy! You can reach me at david@postinstitute.com.

Also included is Bryan’s recent Q&A recording about school issues that two moms are facing, a revision of the How to End Lying is coming up and we’d like to hear from you. Included is a short video that Bryan did on Lying. To view the Toolbox click here: https://thepostinstitute.infusionsoft.com/app/hostedEmail/4160118/451ebb30ca174149

Life position is defined as the stage of internal growth one has attained through experience. For children, their life position is vastly compromised and so completely dependent upon the responses of the environment.

For example, I took my child to Disney World for a summer vacation. In the flurry and excitement of my own internal frenzy to ensure that she had the greatest time possible, I stopped for a moment to reflect upon what I was feeling and what she might be feeling. In an instant, relief flooded my body as I realized how lost she was in the excitement of the experience, and to simply be in the experience from her life position would be an abundant experience. She did not have to do “everything”. All she was to enjoy whatever she was doing, and that might be little, lot or somewhere in between – on her terms, not mine.

I didn’t have to rush all around Disney like a mad man; I could simply allow my child to experience life from her seven-year-old position. I was able to experience deeply a sense of compassion for her youth that I had seldom felt. To this day I continue to reflect on the essence of that moment to allow me to connect to my child on a deep and compassionate level. Being mindful of a child’s point of view, seeing things through the eyes of a child — not yours is is the doorway to compassion.

Choose Compassion,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

Acceptance is the unconditional love that lies beneath the essential lifelong commitment a parent makes to her child. It is vital to the child’s healthy survival in the world. This level of commitment communicates to your child, “No matter what may happen in life, you are okay with me, and for this reason, I accept you as you are.”

When a child receives this core message, she will carry this as a stepping-stone into all areas throughout the rest of her life. We all have a need to be accepted, to belong, to feel a part, to be invited into a group with values and beliefs that coincide with those that resonate deep within our beings.

Whether it is a group of friends, the human race, a community, or a family; being accepted is a means of defining ourselves. Many children, unfortunately, do not have this deep sense of acceptance to fall back on during the struggles of life. These children live with a deep belief that they are inadequate, not accepted, and unable to be valued and loved.

The result is a life of constant self-doubt and low self-worth. Such children grow up and become adults who try to find their self-worth in others, always looking to others or their work or their money for approval.

Acceptance between a parent and child is the unspoken agreement that within their relationship that all is okay for now and forever. When difficult times come, as surely they will, this child knows that she can always return to her parent for security and acceptance. My colleague Pat O’Brien, founder of the very successful adopting older teens program in NYC – www.yougottabelieve.org,  came up with this beautiful little prayer that pretty much says it better than I.

“May you love me the most, when I deserve it the least, because that is when I need it the most.”

Choose Acceptance,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

]]> http://bryanpost.com/2013/02/25/eight-components-of-a-peaceful-parentchild-relationship-pt-3-acceptance/feed/ 0 http://bryanpost.com/2013/02/22/eight-components-of-a-peaceful-parentchild-relationship-pt-2-empathy/ http://bryanpost.com/2013/02/22/eight-components-of-a-peaceful-parentchild-relationship-pt-2-empathy/#comments Fri, 22 Feb 2013 21:53:13 +0000 Bryan Post http://bryanpost.com/?p=1033 P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L: Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship
Component #2 Empathy

Empathy is the ability to experience and identify with the emotional state of another person. It is important to understand that there are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. Often times that which looks opposite to love is stemming from fear.

Understanding the primary emotions will assist you in the process of empathy. This ability is one of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship between a parent and child. One of the most common misconceptions among parents is that a child displaying aggressive behavior is angry.

This shows a lack of empathy and leads the parent to respond as if he is relating to an angry child, which in turn builds up defensive barriers in the child. Once you begin to view your child as angry and untrusting, you fail to empathize with him. It is very difficult for you to move from a place of anger at your child if you are not able to empathize and identify with what your child is actually feeling.

Remember to work diligently to see the fear underneath the anger. Your own personal history and upbringing may get in the way of empathy as well. We have all experienced various traumas of childhood. You need to be careful to empathize with what your child is actually feeling, rather than assuming he is feeling what you felt as a child.

It is important not to react from an unconscious desire to rescue your child from the pain that you may have felt yourself as a child, or to compensate for something missing in the your own interpersonal life. The longer you live with unresolved traumas in your own life, the further down inside you bury them, and they become deeply ingrained into your unconscious drives.

The task of being empathetic becomes a two-fold experience. One, for the parent to be aware of his own unconscious and past issues; and two, to look beyond seeing his child as angry, and to identify with the child’s true feelings. This empathetic connection will make parenting a much more mutually satisfying experience.

Choose Empathy,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

If I were asked to identify eight components essential for transforming the relationship between a parent and child, what might they be? Suppose that you could only pick eight and no more. Which eight would you pick?

This series was written to identify what I believe to be the essential components to a peaceful parent/child relationship. Let me qualify the articles by saying that I believe the true catalyst to change in any relationship stems from us as individuals – as parents and professionals. In our relationship with our children it is essential that we take the first step in being reflective of our own internal states thereby giving us the ability, without the distortion of stress and fear, to see clearly the needs of our children.

Scott Rogers states in his book Mindful Parenting, it’s not about raising your child, it’s about you and me: “When we are mindful, we see what is before us; when we are not, we see what is in our mind.” One reason Rogers says time seems to pass so quickly is that we are not aware of the moment as it happens.

This is what I mean when I say stress causes us to “react from the past, obsess about the future, and miss the present. And when you are out of the present you are no longer here.” One could say that the more stress we have, the shorter our lives are—physically, due to the damage that stress does to the body, and mentally, due to not being present.

For instance, it has taken me approximately thirty minutes to write this introduction because my young daughter has interrupted me exactly seven times for various request, a hug, a kiss, a bit of rough housing, a search for her birth certificate, then mine, then my mothers, and most recently, nothing more than to throw her arms around my neck.

Are these eight components essential? Yeah, I think so!

#1 Patience is a process that comes from a deep sense of calmness and well-being. It is an absolute necessity in a parent’s daily interaction with a child. As a parent, when you are stressed, the task of being patient will be infinitely more difficult than when you are calm. This is not a gift. You do have to work at it.

In order to remain patient, you must first take into consideration your own stress that may be unconsciously driving your state of functioning. Next, you must make a concerted effort to be aware of your child’s needs at all times and consider what she may be feeling at any given moment.

And remember, you cannot be patient all of the time. When you do fail in the area of patience you can always apologize for raising your voice or lashing out, and promise to do better the next time.  Now, between now and component #2, notice your ability to be patience. Become acutely aware of when you are hitting your window of tolerance and make a mental note of what the trigger is. Remember to be be patient with yourself in this exercise.

Choose Patience,

B

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.

Because parenting requires no training (not that it shouldn’t but that anyone can become a parent as we know), and is likely the most important yet most difficult job on planet earth, the future of the world is at stake. Historically, though there have been many improvements in the quality of life, it appears that parenting, in general, has not benefited as much. We still tend to parent from the same mindset/paradigm that has been used for centuries. Reward and punishment, behavior modification and consequences — the most often used tools in our parenting toolbox. We still have prisons, and worse now is that we have a large percentage of children who age out of the foster care system end up in prison.

So one thing leads to another and the stories continue. Either we see the past as the way to a better future (huh?), or we don’t see the past, we just see our idea of what the future could be like if our kids just did what they were supposed to. That would mean that adults did what they were supposed to do. Little evidence, in general, that this is happening. So how do we escape the wheel that offers the opportunity to run faster and faster getting nowhere different even quicker? Ahhhhh. Take a breath for starters.

Mindfulness author Shamish Alidina has some words of helpful advice about mindful parenting:

“I think that parenting is the most difficult, stressful, important and probably most fulfilling responsibility in the world. A good parent needs not only to nurture the child with food, shelter and clothing, but to develop the child’s mind too. Your behavior as a parent often reflects what your own parents were like even if you want to change and improve upon certain areas. However, parents often end up repeating the cycles in subtle ways, passing on unhelpful behaviors (my emphasis here). Fortunately, mindful parenting can help to break the cycles by being present for your children.

How can mindfulness help with parenting? Mindful parents are aware and awake to their actions and the actions of their children. This is very important in bringing up a child. Children need attention (don’t we all?). For children, attention is like love. If they don’t receive sufficient attention, they misbehave until they get that attention – even being told off is preferable to being ignored”. – Shamish Alidina, Mindfulness for Dummies

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting to all children.

Why is mindfulness so important? Bruce Lipton is a cellular biologist and an internationally recognized authority in bridging science and spirit, author of Biology of Belief, The Wisdom of Your Cells, and Co-author with Steve Bhaerman of  the latest book Spontaneous Evolution. In this latest book they offer this information on what we parents (and all other humans) are up against. While discussing the mind/brain activities involved with the subconscious (genetic and past programming, parental blueprints hotbed) and self-conscious (mindfulness realm), it is interesting to note that the data-processing capacity of the subconscious has been estimated to utilize a large amount of brain mass for interpreting and responding to over 40 million nerve impulses per second. The self-conscious mind/brain prefrontal cortex activities occurs at the blazing (or not so blazing) rate of 40 (that is one zero) nerve impulses per second. They conclude that as an information processor, the subconscious mind is one million times more powerful than the self-conscious mind –with a marginal aptitude for creativity, best compared to that of a precocious five-year-old. Wow! These are the tools in your parenting/human toolbox.

Look at it this way – you have a one million times bigger tool for handling/processing your “emotional” reactions than for choosing your “regulated responses” If this seems staggering to you as an adult (and it should), think of your child dealing with a similar set of tools but without all the experience, wisdom and development that adults have hopefully acquired to self correct.  And we adults still have trouble staying regulated!

To make matters worse – your parenting blueprints downloaded from years of learning from your parents, their parents and the rest of the cultural traditions of parenting dating back to antiquity are all part of this subconscious lightening fast processing unit which overrides our “best intention to change”. Mindfulness is an important tool for overcoming this disadvantage and gives us a doorway for the new love based parenting paradigm. Interested? Of course you are…

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all.

Due to technical flaws, this post did not go out for Christmas, but I thought the message timeless and decided to publish anyway. For this delay I apologize.

The reason I decided to work for Post Institute (other than our four adopted and 27 foster kids driving us crazy), was the realization that Bryan Post offers real life solutions not only as great parenting solutions, but solutions for the world’s problems: real, unconditional, spiritual, yet very difficult to achieve – love!

The thing is, just between you and me, love as we commonly refer to it day to day doesn’t really happen much in our world. Oh, it exists mostly as a symbol and a concept, but in that it is mere information (I love you – I love you too, luv ya, etc.) and not the actual experience. There is a world in-between.

Bryan Post and countless others say, “We don’t have all the answers, just one: love.” This is not merely a philosophy, a strategy or another great idea. It is THE way.

With the recent tragedy at Sandy Hook and the constant threat of terrorism, we must begin to realize that building bigger walls and having bigger guns, (Virginia, along with other states are now considering arming teachers with guns as an answer to protecting our children) is no longer getting us where we want to go. In fact, it very likely exacerbates the problem. I am not against guns. I am for love. Albert Einstein said, “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” So what options do we parents have?

Again, not new, not surprising and not easy, the answer is love. If you understand this, then peace is not far behind. When is the last time you looked at your child, spouse, family member or friend, with eyes moist, not really knowing how to put feelings into words, said “I love you” — not as mere information (“love ya”), but, “I would lay down my life for you and I am so very sorry for all the times I hurt you”? If you haven’t had this experience of love recently, try harder, or softer or something else but keep trying.

We cannot have Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All with fear in our hearts and minds. As we experience the holidays, let us do so with a sense of wonder, excitement, and curiosity, bringing forth the greatest gift of all time, love. Let’s transcend the notion that God and Santa reward only the good boys and girls. Bryan Post says, “see the fear, not the anger”. Pat O’Brien, founder of You Gotta Believe, the successful older teen adoption agency says, “kids would rather be mad than sad”. With this understanding in mind, just where are all the “bad” kids?

Let us this year, this decade, this lifetime, and this moment give the gift of seeing the fear and the sadness instead of the behaviors in our kid and just plain ‘ole love’em (no matter what). We might not get Peace on Earth, but maybe Peace in Family. And that may be just where Peace on Earth begins, in our very own hearts and families. The future of the world is in your hands – handle with care, and with love.

Have a most blessed and loving new year, and choose love.

You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and goodwill toward all.