Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship Pt 1: Patience

P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L: Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship Component #1 Patience

If I were asked to identify eight components essential for transforming the relationship between a parent and child, what might they be? Suppose that you could only pick eight and no more. Which eight would you pick?

This series was written to identify what I believe to be the essential components to a peaceful parent/child relationship. Let me qualify the articles by saying that I believe the true catalyst to change in any relationship stems from us as individuals - as parents and professionals. In our relationship with our children it is essential that we take the first step in being reflective of our own internal states thereby giving us the ability, without the distortion of stress and fear, to see clearly the needs of our children.

Scott Rogers states in his book Mindful Parenting, it’s not about raising your child, it’s about you and me: “When we are mindful, we see what is before us; when we are not, we see what is in our mind.” One reason Rogers says time seems to pass so quickly is that we are not aware of the moment as it happens. Want to enjoy more of your life? Mindfulness is the key to "more". It allows you to "be" there more for your children, spouse and yes, even yourself through both the good and the bad.

This is what I mean when I say stress causes us to “react from the past, obsess about the future, and miss the present. And when you are out of the present you are no longer here.” One could say that the more stress we have, the shorter our lives are—physically, due to the damage that stress does to the body, and mentally, due to not being present.

For instance, it has taken me approximately thirty minutes to write this introduction because my young daughter has interrupted me exactly seven times for various request, a hug, a kiss, a bit of rough housing, a search for her birth certificate, then mine, then my mothers, and most recently, nothing more than to throw her arms around my neck.

Are these eight components essential? Yeah, I think so!

#1 Patience is a process that comes from a deep sense of calmness and well-being. It is an absolute necessity in a parent’s daily interaction with a child. As a parent, when you are stressed, the task of being patient will be infinitely more difficult than when you are calm. This is not a gift. You do have to work at it.

In order to remain patient, you must first take into consideration your own stress that may be unconsciously driving your state of functioning. Next, you must make a concerted effort to be aware of your child’s needs at all times and consider what she may be feeling at any given moment.

And remember, you cannot be patient all of the time. When you do fail in the area of patience you can always apologize for raising your voice or lashing out, and promise to do better the next time.  Now, between now and component #2, notice your ability to be patience. Become acutely aware of when you are hitting your window of tolerance and make a mental note of what the trigger is. Remember to be be patient with yourself in this exercise.

Choose Patience,


You have permission to copy this and circulate to as many people as you think can benefit. Help to bring peace on earth and good parenting toward all children.


  1. Bryan, I have searched high and low for the Component 8. Any chance you can help me find it so I can complete my reading? Thanks!!

    • Please email david@postinstitute.com for this.

    • Bryan Post says:

      Found it… Sorry it took so long
      Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship
      Component #8

      #8. Love is the ribbon that ties patience, empathy,
      acceptance, compassion, encouragement, forgiveness,
      and understanding all together.

      Love is not a feeling – it is an action.

      Love does not just occur or present itself – it takes effort.

      Love is not a noun – it is a verb!

      Your child will not just feel loved because you say
      you love him.

      He must feel it through your actions.

      This may take the form of a hug, a smile, or a kiss;
      but it takes some action before love can be experienced.

      It will do your child no good to talk about how much
      you love him if he does not experience your love through
      your actions.

      All else pales in comparison to a child feeling loved.

      Children need this love above anything else.

      The practice of love is difficult.

      The process of expressing love is displayed through
      the actions of showing patience, connecting in
      empathy, providing acceptance, approaching with
      compassion, offering encouragement, showering with
      forgiveness, and seeking to truly understand your child.

      If you have enjoyed P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. The eight components
      of a peaceful parent/child relationship, then I would like to know.

      Let me know how you’ve been impacted and what the article
      has meant for your family.

      Together, don’t you think we can make a difference?

  2. Do you have an online course for parents who are asked to take a “Parenting Skills Class”? Or do you know of any online Parenting Skills Classes that approach Parenting, as you do, from a conscious, parent learning experience?

    • Bryan Post says:

      Yes we do. It will be live on our e-Learning site within days. It will be a digital version of our Home Study Course – Parenting Attachment Challenged Children.

  3. Madeleine Messersmith says:

    What I find most difficult in this is the part where we must make a concerted effort to be aware of the child’s needs/state at all times. I have two adopted children from India, 12 and 14. Honestly, I find this a burden, almost a sentencing to a prison of some sort. I don’t always feel this way but sometimes I just want to be able to pay the bills, take a shower, do laundry and not be focused on them 100% of the time. I feel resentful when I’m not in the mood to do this for them. It’s a 7 day a week job and gets very tiresome. Sometimes their energy presence is just overwhelming. I feel I have done very good this first 30-60 days but had a setback yesterday. I was not getting at the root problem but she wasn’t being honest with what was really going on. I was practicing lots of calming things with her, hugging her when she lied and telling her it was o.k. and thanks for telling me the truth but she just kept on all day until I had to leave for church when she flunked her science test. She said she was ready to do school and take her test. She is a master at disguising and all the time she was upset about something else. At that time I just felt like a complete failure and like she really wasn’t even trying to help me help her but running me on a wild goose chase. I can’t read her mind and I don’t know how to communicate to her effectively that I can’t do this alone. I need a bit of help from her.

    • Bryan Post says:

      What you have said here about the huge job it is, and how much of a burden it seems at times, is what many of our parents go through. Though it may be true, “the bigger the challenge, the greater the victory”, you still have to make it through the day – and night. Make sure you are taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. Lots of oxytocin can help all of you.

      Her being honest is not a goal here, it is the process that is important. Do this well and you will get to honesty. It is a sign/result of the progress. But there may be much more in the way of unfinished business. Take you time. Enjoy. Have more fun. Play more. Read Angelique Miller’s article – It may inspire you.

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