Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It Now! by Bryan Post

Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It Now! A book for all parents, so simple and powerful, that it is GUARANTEED to end your frustration over your child’s negative behavior. Length 23 pages.
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Many childhood behaviors are frustrating to parents, but few are as challenging as lying. Lying is something that most parents say they “just will not tolerate”. However, it is also such a universally common problem that it is rare to find a parent who has not had lying take place in their home, in some form or another. Whether it is omitting the truth, evading the truth, not telling the whole truth, or a blatant lie; this issue becomes the “pet peeve” of many parents.

Would you be surprised to find out that there is a simple formula guaranteed to end your battle with lying? This formula will be outlined in a later chapter, but first we will visit three stories of children who were dishonest with their parents, all in different ways and for different reasons; but all just as unnerving to their parents. Pay close attention as we watch these parents learn a new formula for eliminating the underlying cause, thus resolving their issue with lying.

Window of Tolerance = Ability to Self Regulate

For some children (and probably some adults you know as well), the window of tolerance is very small. Bringing the light of awareness to that unconscious place is where healing and integration can take place. Everyone has a window of tolerance. and yes, size in this case does matter. Not as in good or bad, but as in "we can relax, it will be ok" or "oh oh, we better pay attention or this will get out of control". This is not something to shame, blame or punish in order to change. When the window of tolerance closes, dysregulation begins. It is a brain thing. And yes, you can, with some work, expand your window of tolerance, and so can your child.

We have called the brain lazy, but that is just a metaphor. Really, the brain is very economical. Our neurons, like water, take the path of least resistance. "It" doesn't know any better. If "it" did, I assure you it would take the higher or better path. "We" need to step in, to do things differently, to "change" so that our brain's neuronal synapses and processes change. How? Love really can change things. Love triggers processes in the brain that in effect let everyone involved know that everything will be ok. We can all relax.

This applies equally to children as to adults, except that children need someone to help them with this. Keep in mind that the brain doesn't fully develop in most people until around age 25. So yes, relax. Everything will be ok. As a wise woman once said, "everything works out in the end, and if it hasn't, it's not the end".

Choose Love -- David Durovy

Want to Make Big Changes? Start Small and Get Big Results

It’s Easier and More Effective

switch-bookThis remarkable book Switch: How to change things when change is hard, can be about you, a job, friends, or even family. Or in families like many of ours – a child.

“Why is it so hard to make lasting changes in our companies, in our communities, and in our own lives?The primary obstacle is a conflict that’s built into our brains, say Chip and Dan Heath, authors of the critically acclaimed bestseller Made to Stick. Psychologists have discovered that our minds are ruled by two different systems—the rational mind and the emotional mind—that compete for control. The rational mind wants a great beach body; the emotional mind wants that Oreo cookie. The rational mind wants to change something at work; the emotional mind loves the comfort of the existing routine. This tension can doom a change effort—but if it is overcome, change can come quickly.

In a compelling, story-driven narrative, the Heaths bring together decades of counter-intuitive research in psychology, sociology, and other fields to shed new light on how we can effect transformative change. Switch shows that successful changes follow a pattern, a pattern you can use to make the changes that matter to you, whether your interest is in changing the world or changing your waistline.” — Amazon

Here is one lesson, of many presented in the book, that you may find to be instrumental and inspiring in seeing how everyday opportunities can lead to big changes with exponential effects. — David Durovy


Change May Be Easier Than We Think

This is really the crux of what we as parents are dealing with, both in ourselves and in our children. Although this appears as a simple task, the complexity is often so overwhelming we either quit, or take on a method that “seems” time tested and viable (such as punishing our children in order to help them learn). In the end though, some experts see change not as “a” thing, but a series of things, often very small things by what they call “shrinking the change”.

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip Heath and Dan Heath is a well researched book that shows us how to engineer change into our personal, business and family life. One example shows how one simple unplanned act can actually change things not only in one mom’s and dad’s life but also the lives of so many others in a loosely choreographed series of actions and reactions that at the end of the day, the children were better behaved.

Take a few moments to read through this scenario and consider the implications of small random acts of kindness that we have the opportunity numerous times everyday to take advantage of or pass by in our lives.

They write, “small targets led to small victories, and small victories can often trigger a positive spiral of behavior. Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis wrote about her clients Paula and George, who’d been married for eight years but had been fighting consistently for the previous two.” She had been counseling them for awhile but made little progress. “Then came the breakthrough— a kiss.

One morning, George kissed Paula. The kiss surprised her, caught her off guard a little and made her happy. Being happy prompted her to do a little thing she hadn’t done in a while; She brewed a pot of coffee. They used to drink coffee together often, but lately the tradition has fallen by the wayside.

George smelled the coffee and came down for a cup. He and Paula had a pleasant conversation. Both of them said the morning made them feel more “relaxed and lighthearted”. (Who wouldn’t want more of this?) Paula reported that her coworkers noticed the difference in her attitude that day. Even George and Paula’s kids seemed affected by the halo of good feelings (my note: The Oxytocin Response)—they were more relaxed that evening, less argumentative. George’s kiss launched a positive spiral.”

What is a take home lesson here? The authors say it like this: “Don’t ask a couple to stop fighting; ask the husband to give his wife a simple good-morning kiss.”

How would we interpret this? First, never underestimate the power of simple actions of loving kindness expressed in actions and thoughtful words. The oxytocin response can be a healing balm for ourselves that can affect our children’s regulatory responses. This is brain science, but not difficult brain science. Anyone can do it anywhere, anytime. And, we don’t need a degree to use it.

Secondly, the way to influence or change the behaviors of our children is by, well, by changing our behaviors first. Why us? Because that is the only thing we can control. And that is not always a given but certainly a good place to start.

David_JournalAnother interesting take-home lesson is, we can never know just how far reaching our words and actions, helpful or hurting, may be. One word or action may generate many reactions down the line. We might want to think about that before we act or speak.

Where can you start today, right now— a simple, small, manageable and specific behavior change for you?

— David Durovy

The Post Institute’s Indeigogo Campaign Hit 50% on Day 1

16 Week A-Z Parenting Pilot Online Training program for parents and professionals with adopted, foster, diagnosed and challenging children

Palmyra, VA - May 4, 2016 - The Post Institute, provider of educational materials for foster and adoptive parents, crowdfunds the next generation of their curriculum on popular site

The Post Institute’s new e-learning platform launched yesterday on crowdfunding site Indiegogo, and is already 50% funded. Their new sixteen-week A-Z Parent Mastery Course is the focus of the campaign, and more than 30 foster and adoptive families have already signed up for the pilot program, which is limited to 111 families. So far, families have come from not just the US, but the UK, Australia, New Zealand and Germany. Those interested in registering for the official roll-out of the Course, at a discount, may do so during the month of May on https://igg.me/at/postinstitute-elearning. The pilot program is available for $97, a 75% savings.

The Post Institute’s mission is “love-based, family-centered parenting for foster, adopted, and diagnosed children”. Their online e-learning platform is new, but the content is an extension of their existing curriculum and resources, which include books, audio recordings, workbooks, radio broadcasts, and more. According to David Durovy, Director of the Post Institute, the goal of the online platform is to make the Post Institute’s support for parents more easily accessible and interactive. “It’s simple, really. Over half a million kids are put into the foster care system each year, over 20,000 age out, and 50% of those will go to jail… they suffer from attachment disorders. They never got what they needed as children.” Parenting foster and adopted children  presents a unique set of challenges, and requires specialized support.

The Post Institute is offering pre-registration at a discount, along with other educational materials for parents, counseling sessions with therapists, and other resources on crowdfunding site Indiegogo during the month of May. Like other popular sites Kickstarter and GoFundMe, Indiegogo is a website that facilitates project-specific fundraising. According to David, crowdfunding was a good match for unveiling their new online e-learning platform because its layout is designed to tell a story, with clear layout for video, images, and text. Until May 31, those interested in registering for the official roll-out of the Course, at a discount, may do on https://igg.me/at/postinstitute-elearning.

The Post Institute was founded by Bryan Post in 2002 to provide love-based, family-centered resources and education to parents of foster, adopted, and diagnosed children.  www.PostInstitute.com

Contact: David Durovy, david@postinstitute.com , 434-589-8828.

Looking for 111 Families, Therapists, Agencies and Educators for Pilot Parenting Program

We are looking for 111 Families, Therapists, Agencies & Educators for a Post Institute Pilot 16 Week A-Z Parenting Program - Starting June 1st, 2016 - Pre-Registration This Week - We hope this is an offer you cannot refuse! Details Here

Calming Your Child with Television or iPad May Backfire

The Post Parenting Toolbox Series #75

Television not only distracts a child from whatever may have caused the tantrum in the first place, but one hour of screen Toolbox 2016time  hinders the communication between parent and child, decreasing the likelihood the child will listen to their parent the next time an incident occurs. Pacifying difficult children with a device doesn’t treat their behavior and possibly worsens the problem." - Medical Daily

We all love calm children. In fact, we will do almost anything at times to calm them, including things that may cause more problems in the long run. But such is the way with things in our hustle and bustle world where we so often don’t seem to have the luxury of “time” to do the right things right now. But, as the man says, “you can pay me now or you can pay me later”, we will end up paying as will our children.

And for those of us who have children with disruptive behavior patterns, adopted, foster and diagnosed to deal with to begin with, the forthcoming high price can be almost unbearable. And, as you know from your work with The Post Institute, our job is to help lessen the ill effects of traditional parenting - and taking the easy way out so that we as parents and our precious children are spared from the high cost of mis-parenting. This can move us all toward NPT (New Paradigm Thinking) where love really is all we need once we understand what true love really is.

Here is some interesting research in an article by Samantha Olson writing for Medical Daily that shows just how seemingly innocuous everyday things such as television, iPads and smart phone can add to the already present turmoil of parenting. Hope you find some value here — David Durovy


"Many a parent has tried to pacify a tantrum-throwing toddler with the distracting glare of a tablet game, and according to a team of pediatricians from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan, some use it as a coping mechanism more than others. Their findings, published in JAMA Pediatrics, reveal parents have a tendency to hand their child a tablet or smartphone in certain situations to calm them down. The more difficult the child, the more parents hand over the screens.

"We know that parents of babies and toddlers with difficult behavior disproportionately use television and videos as calming tools," said the study’s lead author Dr. Jenny Radesky, a child behavior expert and pediatrics professor at C.S. Mott Children's Hospital. “We wanted to explore whether the same might be true for... Learn More

Source: Medical Daily - The Grapevine

Have a calm and mindful day!
David

For more Love Based Family-Centered Parenting info, visit www.postinstitute.com

How To Never Get Angry: Secrets From Neuroscience

How to Not React with Anger Toward Your Child or Anyone Ever Again... 

angry dadHow To Never Get Angry: 3 New Secrets From Neuroscience
One of the most effective tools in a parent’s toolbox is anger. “Don’t make me get angry with you”! (As if they could make us…). We don’t like it when our children get angry, we don’t like it when our spouse or boss gets angry, and if you are like me, you don’t even like it when you get angry. So why do we do it? More importantly, how do we “not do it”?

Eric Barker, the guy behind the blog Barking Up the Wrong Tree (his site brings science-based answers and expert insight on how to be awesome at life and has been featured in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Wired Magazine and Time Magazine) has done a wonderful job helping us find options, understanding and alternatives to our fits of anger that do more harm than good.

His article appeared in Oct 2015 and is worth spending some time reading and looking at the links he provides. His focus is research based information and he provides the footnotes to back it up. Make sure you watch the Marshmallow Test video - inspiring and entertaining.

Imagine realizing that anger and other emotions can be healing — and that by suppressing them we are actually doing damage to ourselves. Suppression works he says but, “The good news is suppression works. You can bottle up your feelings and not look angry. However…It’s almost always a bad idea. Yes, it prevents the anger from getting out, but when you fight your feelings they only get stronger.” Whoa!

And further, “What happens in the brain when you try to clamp down on that rage? A whole mess of bad stuff. Your ability to experience positive feelings goes down — but not negative feelings. Stress soars. And your amygdala (a part of the brain closely associated with emotions) starts working overtime.” Well, we know about this amygdala stuff — the fear center for freeze, flight or fight. Who wants more of this? Want to learn how to decrease the power of your reactive amygdala? Help is here.

And to make matter worse, Barker says, “And fighting your feelings uses a lot of willpower. So afterwards you have less control and that’s why you’re more likely to do things you regret after you’re angry”. No surprise here.

Eric give us plenty of science to show how destructive suppressing our emotions can be (and the same for our children) and offers some excellent help for learning to manage (stop venting and start reappraising and more) the darker side of ourselves. Read it all right here…

There Is a Better Way to Parent

Where in the World is Waldo is a Better Way?

A big problem is that we parents think we know how to parent. That it is a no-brainer. I mean, people haveOld-Way-Better-Way-Wood-s been doing this stuff for centuries. What is the big deal? True, but that does not mean there isn't a better way...

The Better Way:  Your paradigm is the way in which you see the world. It is the model by which you explain and understand all that is happening. It is metaphorically speaking the table cloth upon which all the table settings rest.

Most people are constantly re-arranging the "table settings" of their life in hopes of something better. Change the table cloth. Yes, just yank it out, then start rebuilding your assumptions about your life, your parenting and about everything. What we teach works best from an entirely different paradigm or model of how parenting works.

Sure, we can play around with this technique, that tip, or another approach or method. We can do this for years with few results. If it doesn't work, we do it louder, harder, more forcefully.

For a direct flight to love, keep in mind that both you and your child are completely innocent, both doing the best possible thing you know how to do. If either of you knew a better way, I guarantee you would do it in a heartbeat. If it doesn’t work, it is simply because there is a better way, not the “right way”. Think in terms of better, not right or wrong. There is always, always, always a better way.

Choose a better way,
— David

What kind of a role model am I? What kind are you?

When adults get stressed out, they tend to act like adolescents because “When we stress, we regress”. Our amygdala is hijacked, our higher functioning frontal cortex is shut down and we are no longer running the show. The same of course for our children. Think about this the next time you are tempted to say to them, “What were you thinking!?!?” The answer is simple - Not.

I got so mad at my 22 year old the other day that I had to hang up the phone on him. I didn’t even decide to, I just “did” it. He texted back, “nice move dad. Really mature”. Yeah. 65 years old and still acting like a kid. How does that happen? It’s really simple. Stress causes us to react from the past, completely miss the present and obsess about the future. Our thinking processes become confused and distorted, and with our short term memory suppressed, we don’t know who we are or who we are interacting with. We become strangers I in our own bodies, in our own experience and can almost say with impunity, “I didn’t do it”. Almost. This is what happens when I am ‘not home’.

The same is true for our children, when they do things they shouldn’t, behave badly, is it “them” doing it or their own stressors of fear triggering their actions? No, this is not amnesty for every wrongdoing. This is simply ‘understanding’ which leads to learning which leads to healing, correction and better choices — or in many cases choice period. I didn’t choose to hang up on my son. I was so wound up I had no choice. “It” just happened. And I am the adult with 65 years of experience and I know better.  So when “it” happens to our child, how do we respond? How could we respond? What is the teaching moment here? Or, do we get so upset with their stupid behavior that we just re-act (as in acting over and over again and again) cause the cycle of unconscious  behavior on both our parts to just continue endlessly into the future, never learning, never stopping, never being mindful and never being free?
 
"Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone..."

Think about it. Can you blame us? Can you blame them?

Choose Love.

What you see is not what you get

We’ve been taught to see children and their behaviors in a certain way, and change it seems is never easy. Think of it this way, what you see is what you have learned to see — not actually ‘what is there’. When we see a behavior, we tend to add the ‘baggage’ of our learned understanding. This often just goes to prove what we already thought was the case. We have to interrupt our understanding enough to be able to question what we are seeing, and what it means. Use this against the new paradigm measuring stick — ask, what is this child trying to say with this behavior?