Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 4 “the end” by Bryan Post

Click here for Part 1
Click here for Part 2
Click here for Part 3

The years passed. Stress continued to increase. One child grew older and excelled in school, sports, and socially. Internally he struggled to live in a world he viewed as overwhelming. To compensate he lied, stole, cheated, manipulated, set fires, killed animals, and occasionally bullied other children. Because he was intelligent many of the adults never had a clue. Living out his fear he made it through year after year.

The other child, well, she struggled both internally and externally. Externally she failed in school, sports, and socially. There were frequent fights at home brought about by parental blueprints for what discipline should be, influenced by a fear of personal responsibility for having a withdrawn and immature child who preferred playing with children far younger than herself. Internally, she just tried to make it through each day. Now obviously, while ridden with anxiety and depression. Unable to focus because every relationship was imprinted to be negative and certainly every relationship did not prove otherwise.

The two parents with hopes of having a family they’d dreamed of, hoping to love, nurture, and influence their two children, ended up feeling insecure, hopeless, overwhelmed, and let down by the task at hand. These children were difficult. At least one of them was anyway and the other had his moments but so much less frequent.

And the family lived for years, each day struggling to be a family. Each day struggling to live in peace, but continually influenced by their early attachment imprints. One child continued to struggle, continued to live out those early blueprints and recurring negative relationships until she died in a tragic automobile accident. The other continues to struggle yet has been able to put life into perspective, not by any personal remarkable efforts, but by having more positive relationships than negative ones. Thereby, he is sharing this article with you.

Choose Love,

B.

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For more of Bryan Post's unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his other sites:

  • www.postinstitute.com - A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com - A Parenting "Hands-On" Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com - Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.com - You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 2 by Bryan Post

There are no two relationships ever the same. Every interaction that we have with another individual is influenced by our own personal past experiences. John Bowlby, M.D, the father of modern-day attachment theory, referred to these past experiences as our blueprints. Bowlby espoused that the first three years of our lives establish the blueprints for all of our future relationships. At a physiologic level, upon reflecting at the differences between my sister’s earliest relationship blueprints and my own, it is not difficult to determine that at even such an early age she was already imprinted to view human relationships as not safe.

When we consider trauma in the lives of children it is important to realize the far majority of traumatic experiences occurring in their lives typically involve some aspect of human relationship. If a child has been abused, battered, or neglected by the individual that is supposed to love her most then what would make subsequent relationships appear any safer?

From the earliest point in time throughout their relationship with one another, my sister and my parents struggled to be attached. The legendary attachment pediatricians Marshall Klaus and John Kennel inform us that attachment is the behavior of the child to the parent and bonding is the behavior of the parent to the child. In the mental health profession we have fostered an imbalance of influence. A child cannot develop attachment with a parent struggling to bond. Thus, unwittingly, an almost impossible task was set in motion.

Regardless of the trauma issues that my sister carried into the family, my own parents equally brought their own. As you can imagine, the family experience, the experience I refer to as the ‘secret life of the family,’ was not very attractive. To be continued.

Choose Love,

B.

If you have children – adopted, biological or foster – with attachment issues and would like to learn how to help heal early trauma, consider this excellent parenting manual for challenging children - visit From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post.

A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children…
“Honestly, it’s the best parenting handbook I’ve seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors… Even if you aren’t into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you’re a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book.” — Book Review By Literary Litter

There are also FREE resources, videos and articles available for helping families with children with trauma, RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment Disorders, ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and more at www.postinstitute.com, www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com, www.postinnercircle.com and oxytocincentral.com.
There is hope. There is help.

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A thoughtful and skeptical review of Bryan Post’s book

"The Difference Between Happiness and Despair"

This reviewer, both an attorney and adopted mom, gave an insightful, critical and skeptical review of her experience with Bryan Post's first popular book co-authored with H. Forbes. Here is a taste of her final conclusion:  ..."So I gave it try. With our own adopted child, we have seen a night-and-day difference in his behavior which I believe directly reflects the efficacy of the book’s general recommendations. I would recommend reading the book in light of your own experience with your children and trying out some of the scenarios. If it works for you, it’s time well spent. For our child, it was the difference between despair and happiness. My child’s unselfconscious smile and laughter are the proof I need that the practicum works".   Read the full review here -  Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control...bookscritics.com.

For more of Bryan Post's groundbreaking radical new understanding of difficult children, read The Great Behavior Breakdown and From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children and visit www.postinstitute.com,  and www.postinnercircle.com.

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3 sec ago

Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 1 by Bryan Post

The purpose of this column is to educate and offer solutions to parents, teachers, and professionals struggling to care for children that have been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder.

Having been an attachment challenged child myself, spending time in foster care and then being adopted into a loving home that soon became an angry home, I have first hand experience on how difficult understanding and parenting your child can be.

Before I go into what you can do to help your child, allow me to tell you a little about my story growing up as such a child:

  •  I only spent in three months in foster care. However, anytime in foster care is too much time due to the traumatic break which occurs between the infant and biologic mother at birth. For decades the impact of this early attachment break has been discounted.
  • It is impossible for me to tell my story without also including my sister’s story because it creates the framework for my life’s work. Let me explain.

Though both adopted before we were four months old, my sister’s life has been the polar opposite to mine from day one. I was carried to term and moved quickly into a foster home, she was premature and had to spend her first three months in an incubator. My mother tells the story that when she and my father first saw me I was smiling. On the other hand, upon seeing my sister for the first time she was crying. Because we now know so much about neuroscience and physiologic patterns, I believe these first interactions established the framework for the relationship my sister and parents had from that point forward. To be continued.

Choose Love,

B.

If you have children - adopted, biological or foster - and would like to learn how to help heal early truama or attachment issues, visit From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post.
A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children...
"Honestly, it's the best parenting handbook I've seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors... Even if you aren't into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you're a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book." -- Book Review By Literary Litter
There are FREE resources, videos and articles available for helping families with children with trauma, RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment Disorders, ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and more at www.postinstitute.com, www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com, www.postinnercircle.com and oxytocincentral.com.
There is hope. There is help.

On Love (and Fear) by Bryan Post

We at the POST Institute decided to spend time examining the very fleeting experience of Love. Why do I say fleeting? Truth is love is not that common. To really know love, experience it, share it, sit quietly within it, is something that I believe eludes most of us most of the time. We are familiar with the all too common “I love you” and the quick “love you too” response that is more of a knee jerk reaction than a truly heartfelt expression of what the words really mean. Truth be told, we all strive for it, hope to raise our children in it, and would like to be seen as very loving. In fact, in the day to day we probably even believe that for the most part we are loving. But let’s take a closer look shall we?

I believe that in order to truly understand something, we can best grasp it by understanding more fully its opposite. I was twenty-seven years old before I first realized that I was fearful. Not fearful on a moment to moment basis, but fearful in a way that it was a controlling factor throughout my life. Within a flash I looked back on my earliest experiences, the anxiety, the shyness, the vigilance, all rooted in fear. I have started this year off with a resolution of getting fit. The other day, as I was exercising, a flash of stress trigger entered my body. At first I could not place the source of my stress and anxiety. When I sat with it for a moment I realized the history of the stress trigger was in my fear of failure. You see, I played college football for a couple of years until I finally came to the realization that my dream of becoming a professional football player was more to get me to college than it was to become a reality. My first college football exercise was to run a mile in under twelve minutes. I was young, strong and in shape. Not really a big deal until I started running. I became filled with anxiety. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, soon I started to fear that I wouldn’t make it and would have to run extra during the rest of the season. After a few laps I noticed that several teammates had finished and being a freshman, I wasn’t particularly worried about anyone watching me, so somewhere in the mix of things I feigned completion and stopped alongside the rest of the guys. I never finished my mile; my fear got the best of me.

Such experiences were a significant part of my athletic life throughout school. Though I was by most accounts a dominate athlete, occasionally my fear would takeover and I would be almost helpless. I didn’t realize this until years later while in therapy. Though the therapist was not particularly impressive she did point out to me that I seemed to have a tremendous amount of fear. It did not become fully conscious until another year or so passed and a client asked me what I was afraid of and I was about to reply, “I’m not afraid of anything,” when suddenly it hit me like a lightening bolt, “I was afraid of everything and had been so for much of my life.” After sharing with my client the light bulb she had just turned on for me, I began another round of therapy to examine deeper the fear that I had been carrying throughout my life.

Now you might ask, “Well Bryan, if you are writing on love why exactly are you going into this diatribe on fear?” The point is that if you don’t know what you are afraid of, you will never become conscious of whether the space you are standing in is one of love or one of fear. It is imperative and much easier to be honest with our fear, more so than our love, because our fear is much more pervasive in our lives. Now if you find yourself taking offense to that last statement, ask yourself why? Why is it that we become immediately defensive with things we do not like, rather than just opening and accepting?

It’s because of fear. We are always fearful of encountering new things. It’s actually a scientific finding that when we encounter new things we perceive them as threatening and fearful until we deem them otherwise. If we were holding a space of love we wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t become so reactive, and defensive. We might laugh in our observance of the statement, find it amusing and then move on to the rest of life. But, we don’t. Just like our children’s behaviors. We are so fearful of our children doing wrong, we seldom see the right. It is much easier to see fearful behaviors or actions because our brains are always looking for a threat, as opposed to seeing attempts to survive, or to do better, or perhaps to just do as we’ve been conditioned. (Take a moment to read that last sentence again. I think there is something significant there, which probably deserves another article at some point.)

Love is simple. There have been songs, poems, books, and monuments built to honor it. However, love requires none of these things. Because it just is. My most sincere suggestion regarding love is that you look closer at the roots of your fear. If you can find it, connect to it, understand it, and don’t judge it, but seek to really see it and how it plays out in your day to day experiences, you will then find the space of love. Remember love and fear cannot co-exist. Where one is the other is not. Your ability to see your fear makes it possible to then put it aside and return to love.

Bryan Post
“A humble seeker of love.”

If you have children - adopted, biological or foster - and would like to learn more about how to love more and fear less and help your child do the same, visit From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post.

A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children...
"Honestly, it's the best parenting handbook I've seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors... Even if you aren't into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you're a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book." -- Book Review By Literary Litter

There are FREE resources, videos and articles available for helping families with children with RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment Disorders, ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and more at www.postinstitute.com.
There is hope. There is help.

How to Get 4 Hours of Bryan Post’s Solution Sessions for 5 Bucks

We found a bunch of  copies of Susan Kutchinska's wonderful book on Oxytocin, the Chemistry of Connection, in our warehouse (we thought we had sold out) and decided to offer it AND for the first 13 people who buy they can get Bryan Post's 4 CD set entitled The Solution Sessions for only $5 more. So for $21.95 you get the book and 4 hours of Bryan in this rarely offered CD set for helping children and parents heal. Paul Zak, the love Doctor said about Chemistry of Connection, "A marvelous book. It brings the science of oxytocin into the service of love in an engaging and practical way. Anyone who wants to understand and improve his or her relationships should read it." Check it out at http://postinstitute.com/store/books.html.

Hello, Here is a question for all of you. What do you do when your child won’t stop taking food from the pantry and hiding it in their room? Please read and answer the different questions that come up and add questions of your own that you may need help with so we can all get ideas from each other and help each other. My example: My 17 year old hides food and wrappers under his mattress even when he knows we will find it. HELP!!! —-Susan D.

A public thank you from a friend in the UK

To David Durovy & Bryan Post

Whom sent me copies of Bryan's books, "From Fear, To Love" & "The Great Behaviour Breakdown", both by email and hard copies by post.

Thank you so much.

I doubt many people in the UK will have heard of Bryan Post or the Post Institute (http://www.postinstitute.com/) but Bryan is clearly a generous man and a man of passion and a special understanding within his field. All parent's, whether of adopted children or whether biological parents, should read his books and watch his videos. The world is a better place because of people like Bryan, who truly understands the importance of love, compassion & understanding.  The books are not available through Amazon UK (and should be!!!) so if you are a parent, whether adoptive or not, and want a copy then approach the institute directly.

Amazon UK do have "Beyond Consequences Logic and Control" which is co-authored br Bryan.

I believe the single most important thing for the future of humanity, is working towards a true understanding of our nature, and Bryan is definitely one of the knights on that quest.

Sir, you have my utmost respect and gratitude!!

 

More funding for child welfare

I recently ran across this news article and thought it was worth posting here.  Bryan Post

Moments ago, the House of Representatives gave final approval to HR 1586, which will provide much needed Medicaid and Title IV-E funding assistance to States. The bill, which passed the Senate last week, includes over $16 billion in aid to the states. The additional resources will help states stave off unwarranted cuts to health and child welfare services and will help them avoid laying off the providers of these services. The legislation provides a much needed 3.2% increase in federal support for the first quarter of FY 2011, and 1.2% increase for the second quarter.

 Background:

The House began their six-week August recess late last week but after the Senate passed the measure, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced that she would bring the Members back to take a vote on this legislation. Although Congress is rarely called back into session once they have adjourned for a recess, this aid to states was seen as too critical a matter to put off until Congress resumes in September.

Next Steps:

The bill now has to go to the President for his signature, which is expected shortly. If your Senators and/or Representative voted yes for this important legislation, please take a moment to call and thank them for their diligence in seeing that vulnerable children and families are protected.