Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 6 of 6: How to Overcome Lying by Bryan Post

Click Here for Part 5

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 6 of 6: How to Overcome Lying

Conducting a coaching call with a desperate parent one afternoon regarding her five-year old son’s chronic lying behavior, I attempted to explain to the mother The Three Step Lying Solution. Upon hearing that she must, "Ignore the Lie, But Don’t Ignore the Child", she loudly exclaimed over the telephone, “Oh no I could never do that!” I responded by asking, “Who lied to you?” Without hesitation she replied, “My father used to lie to me all of the time when I was a little girl!”

When a child tells a lie the parent experiences fear. We fear that if our children lie to us they will grow up to tell lies. We may be reacting to past adult experiences such as a dishonest spouse or parent. And a very common feeling is that if our children lie to us then we are not being good parents.

When a child tells a lie the parent must first breathe. Breathing will help interrupt the initial stress reaction. Second, remember that all of the fears noted above could occur however, they are all projections about the future. Stress and fear do three things: Cause us to react from the past; obsess about the future, but takes us out of the present. Worrying about your child telling lies ten years from now will not help him stop telling lies today. In fact, it can make it even worse.

Using The Three Step Lying Solution will help you address the fear and stress your child is experiencing in the moment. Yelling at him will only increase this fear which will then only lead to more lying. You must respond calmly assuring your child that whatever thing it is that he feels the need to lie about is not nearly as important as his relationship with you. Help your child to understand that the only time he is dishonest is when he is stressed and scared. Not in a blaming way, but in an understanding way. This will help him to feel safer when faced with the threat of being honest.

Remember, in your child’s experience regarding lying, the worst thing that ever happened to him is threatening to happen again. Don’t increase his stress and fear by yelling or getting angry, instead practice The Three Step Lying Solution until you have gotten really good at it. By that time your child will be lying much less

Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post's FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Weekly Contest Giveaways on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post


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Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time CD by Bryan Post - Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan's 4 Point Plan!

"Classic" Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don't let the holidays "just happen". The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child - and yourself, stayed regulated. Don't let your anger and frustration or your children's behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Get a FREE download of the e-Book (pdf) as a bonus with this CD! -- only $9.95 or just get the e-Book for FREE!
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comWhere Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 5 of 6: How to Overcome Lying by Bryan Post

Click Here for Part 4

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 5: How to Overcome Lying

Telling the truth is very difficult. If telling the truth was an easy thing there would be few incidences of lying. When an individual, unconsciously, is fearful of being rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, or shamed, the prospect of honesty becomes daunting.

To continue our story from the previous article, following two weeks I had not heard back from the parents. Finally after six weeks I received a phone call, it was from the mother. She exclaimed, “Hello Dr. Post its Sharon from California. I know it has been longer than two weeks, but you won’t believe it, my son has made a complete turnaround! In fact, he has even gotten a job at the local swimming pool. Hallelujah.”

The recommendations were not magical. What is magical is when parents are able to see things differently. Two of the recommendations alone: Spending 20 minutes uninterrupted with their son each evening and telling him he’s never going anywhere, could have made a significant difference by themselves. In the United States the average amount of quality parent-child time is 13 minutes! They almost doubled that. In addition, John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, stated that the threat of loss is equal to loss itself. In other words, you should never threaten to send a child away because of their behavior. If so you are going to create more fear which will only trigger the rejection they’ve already experienced. This will lead to depression, anger, and the need to lie better.

Thousands of parents have utilized The Three Step Lying Solution effectively. More than a handful of parents have reported using it just one time and their children have not told a lie since. Though it is simple, simple does not mean easy. In the next article we will discuss both why it is difficult to put into place and why it can be effective once you finally use it.

Choose Love,

B.

Have you read Bryan Post's FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Weekly Contest Giveaways on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post


————————————————Advertisement—————————————————
Holiday Peace: Turn Holiday Stress into Peaceful Family Time CD by Bryan Post - Help the Holidays Be Happy Times rather than Stressful Times with Bryan's 4 Point Plan!

"Classic" Bryan Post delivers tips, hints, wisdom and what not to do to help your family have a better holiday with his 4 Point Plan. Don't let the holidays "just happen". The Holidays should not come as a surprise. Plan ahead on how best to help your challenging child - and yourself, stayed regulated. Don't let your anger and frustration or your children's behaviors ruin your holidays. Use the Stress Model to bring Joy to the World, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All!

Get a FREE download of the e-Book (pdf) as a bonus with this CD! -- only $9.95
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comWhere Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 4 of 6: How to Overcome Lying by Bryan Post

Click Here for Part 3

I once received a phone call from a distraught parent, “My fourteen-year old son lies non-stop about everything. It’s so bad that if he keeps this up we’ve threatened to send him to boot camp!” I thought, “That must be some serious lying!”

The teen had been adopted at the age of two, some early trauma was present. The father was a retired Vietnam veteran, which is typically an indicator at the very least, of exposure to a traumatic environment. Nothing significant stood out concerning the mother’s history.

As well as lying the child had been skipping class and wrestling practice, I gave the parent’s three suggestions to follow for the next two weeks:

  1. Make sure that your son is attending all of his classes daily. Call the teachers, e-mail them, do whatever you must to ensure he is attending. If he is not, then we must focus on this issue first. Let him quit wrestling if wants to. Continuing to wrestle and being stressed out is not worth the positives that might be gained at this time. (This topic alone is fodder for an entire article!)
  2. Spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with your son every evening, allowing him to talk about anything he would like. Turn off the television and put down the newspaper, just listen to what he’s talking about.
  3. The main part of the Lying Solution: When he lies, take several deep breaths. Look at him with sorrow in your eyes because you now see the fear driving the lie. Ignore the Lie, but don’t ignore him and say, “Son I love you. You are not ever going anywhere, and everything is going to be alright. Do you understand?” Once he nods in agreement, turn and walk away. Never mention the lie. Wait one hour. Once you are calm, go back to him. Interrupt whatever he is doing. Take him by the hand, look him in the eyes and say, “Son, you know I love you right? I love you very much. When you tell me a lie it really scares me. It hurts me as well, because it tells me that you don’t trust me. Then I worry that I can’t keep you safe. I need you to know that you can trust me and everything is going to be okay. Do you understand?” Once the child nods his head in disbelief, you have officially completed the Three Step Lying Solution.

In the next article we will discuss the outcome of the 14 year-old and why The Three Step Lying Solution works so effectively. To be continued.

Choose Love,

 B.

Have you read Bryan Post's FREE e-Book How to End Lying Now: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It?

Post Weekly Contest Giveaways on Facebook! Make sure you stop by our Facebook page often as we are giving away books, DVDs, CDs and more each week for a full year. This is a chance to learn, play and interact with other committed parents and professionals and WIN! http://www.facebook.com/postinstitute

About Bryan Post


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Parenting Difficult Tween & Teens CD set by Bryan Post and Helene Timpone

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Within this program is what every parent or professional needs to know about raising and working with preteen and teen children.  To read more, just click here.

You'll never believe how it simple it can be until you understand what really drives your kids.
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comWhere Desperate Parents Come for Solutions and Support. You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child part 3 of 6: How to Overcome Lying by Bryan Post

Click Here for Part 2

All day Mary had been looking for her bracelet, she knew for sure that she had placed it on the kitchen counter. “Maybe Peter took it? Surely not, what would he do with my bracelet?” Mary thought to herself. Wanting to believe that Peter would not have taken something from her again after just giving him several consequences the day before for taking things that didn’t belong to him, she reluctantly went into his room. There sat the bracelet in open daylight. When Peter came down for breakfast Mary politely asked, “Peter have you seen that little silver bracelet of mine?” Peter looked at his mother straight in the eye and said, “Nope haven’t seen the thing anywhere!”

Have you had this experience before? Sometimes your child seems to lie about things that are completely obvious? Other times it seems as though he’s just making up a story for no logical reason? Our typical reaction, “I can’t take this anymore. I can not take this constant lying any longer. You will be spending the next three days with no television. You must learn to start telling the truth. If you don’t start telling the truth no one is ever going to trust you.”

To help children overcome lying we must understand why they do it. The only time we tell a lie is when we are stressed and afraid. For a child with a trauma history, he will lie from a place of survival. During moments of asking a child to tell truth he fears that the worst thing that has ever happened to him is going to happen all over again. In that very moment, the child is further away from telling you the truth than you may realize. Literally, the child is afraid for the safety of his life.

A graphic example, imagine a sledge-hammer hanging over your head. You have been told if you tell the truth, the sledge-hammer is going to crash into your skull perhaps ending your life. In that moment someone asks you to tell the truth about the most ridiculous thing. You cannot do it. The fear is much too great and the only sure safety is to lie. In the life of the traumatized, attachment challenged child, his past trauma becomes his sledge-hammer, and insisting that he tell you the truth is only making it worse. To be continued.

Choose Love,
B.

Click Here for Part 4

What works and what doesn't work for your challenging child and lying?


About Bryan Post


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Want The Best for Your Family and Your Hurting Child? "My wife and I have adopted 4 kids out of the Foster Care system. We had 27 foster children. I can only say that I wish we would have known then what we know now. Bryan Post offers the only help for kids like these that offers hope, help and step-by-step guidance. Without Bryan Post we would never have come through.”  -- David & Susan, VA.
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Parenting Attachment Challenged Children "Hands-On" Home Study Course by Bryan Post
is now available and includes the new 5 Hour Course on CD-Rom to accompany the workbook and 6 Hours of Video. This new program provides all the tools and understanding you need in order effectively parent your challenging kids. The home study course for parenting the child with challenging behaviors is life changing and is only meant for the serious parent or professional! This course with accompanying workbook and the 5 hours of course material on CD-Rom to follow along will make the concepts easy to work with. You will have step-by-step instructions on how to create a therapeutic healing environment for children with trauma histories. If nothing else works for your child, this may be the training program you have been praying for. You will never know unless you try it. This best-selling package will start you on the road to restoring peace in your family and give you a running start!

For the first time ever, the Post Institute has put together its most effective video, audio and interactive training program with ground breaking information by Bryan Post. The home study course comes with a newly released CD Rom five-hour workbook format that you can take at your own pace in the comfort of your own home. Includes our new five-hour training course, six hours of video training, downloadable audio recordings of the video presentation for playing on your iPod or MP3 player, a beautifully illustrated color workbook, a copy of the popular The Great Behavior Breakdown (an excellent manual for parenting any children—biological, adopted or foster care), an audio CD with Bryan Post offering his guidance on how best to make the necessary changes in your parenting approach to help your child move past the disturbing and frustrating behaviors, and a copy of Going Home Trouble Shooting Guide with summary points that can be easily read any time that you find yourself struggling.

By learning to calm the stress and diminishing the behavior, you will find peace, love and harmony where before there was only fighting and anger. You will never know unless you try this, but you might always wonder.
To read more, just click here.
————————————————————————————————
For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids and many other challenging behaviors and diagnoses.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comYou Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child Part 2 of 6 by Bryan Post

Click Here for Part 1
Stress plays a vital role in everything that we do. As an internal experience we rely on stress daily to stay alive, and engage the outside world. In addition, we rely on stress to fight illness, digest food, and recover from difficult times. Just to laugh is to experience a state of stress.

In considering parenting techniques for severe behavior we will be relying on a theory of human behavior called the The Stress Model. The Stress Model is a very simple theory of behavior that says, “All behavior arises from a state of stress and in between the behavior and the stress is the presence of one of two primary emotions: Love or Fear. It is through the expression, processing, and understanding of the emotion that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior.

Very important point: There are only two primary emotions love and fear. Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a feeling that is secondary to the bodily experience of fear. A fear experience can occur through any of the sensory pathways. Through what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and even the temperature of your body. The experience of both stress and fear is cellular. It occurs unconsciously. You won’t always know what causes fear or stress. If you are seeing anger, rage, jealousy, and more it is arising from fear, rather than the anger.

Love is the space between two people. It is always present and surrounds us each day. The only thing that keeps us out of love is our fear. Since the presence of love is natural, it is up to us to put fear aside and step into the presence of love. You may have heard it said, “Perfect love cast out all fear,” or “Love and fear cannot co-exist.” What we have calmly come to perceive as love is only fear in disguise. Most often we do not see this because we fail to see our own fear the majority of the time.

When we begin talking about the specific severe behaviors it will be important to remember the fear and stress they create in the parent first. If you try to overcome fear by creating more fear, you only make fear greater. Action exercise: Try to see fear in actions between you and your child for one full week. You’ll be amazed.

Choose Love,

B.

Click Here for Part 3

Let us know what you think.  What did you learn? What Questions arise for you? What successes have you had with this information? What failures? Remember that failure is an important part of succeeding - always ask "what went wrong and what did I learn". Without this we are bound to repeat and repeat and repeat and ....

About Bryan Post


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Severe Behaviors or Multiple Diagnoses? Strategies for Severe Behaviors in Adoptive & Foster Children Including RAD, OD, ADHD, Aspergers, Autism & Others – 4 DVD set

Bryan Post and Dr. Gizane Indart provide clear-cut understanding of the root of severe behaviors most frequently identified by parents and caregivers as troublesome and specific step by step strategies to eliminating these behaviors and creating healing and peace in your home. Learn why even adoption at birth is traumatic. Gain life changing insights to why your children act out, and what you can do to help them succeed. This program includes the How To End Lying Stealing and Defiance as seen in our YouTube videos 6 Minutes That Can Change Your Child's Life (and Yours!) and 9 More Minutes That Could Change Your Child's Life (Yours too). Approximate length 6 hours.

The answers to tough parenting  questions, though often simple, are not easy and require a uniquely different parenting approach. You will be amazed at the progress you can make once you begin to understand your child's challenging behaviors.
To read more, just click here.
---------------------------------

For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comYou Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child Part 1 of 6 by Bryan Post

There is much literature on how to parent challenging children these days. Unfortunately much of that literature does not typically address the child with special parenting needs and a special parenting understanding. A child that has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, or even depression, requires an understanding not of the behavior itself, but rather of the underlying dynamics driving the behavior.

Take for example the analogy of an iceberg. Typically when we refer to an iceberg we are referring to what we see above the surface. However, 90% of every iceberg is invisible, lying under the surface. What you consider to be an iceberg is really only the tip. It’s an overwhelming thought when considering how enormous an iceberg is above the surface. Imagine the other 90% lurking underneath.

Negative behaviors demonstrated by children are much the same. Whereas we may attempt to remove an iceberg by hacking away from the top down, we will only be spending endless time and energy focusing on the smallest aspect of the iceberg. When we encourage parents to only focus on alleviating behavior through simple behavior modification charts, boot camp tactics, or logical consequences, we are actually missing the most important part of the behavior. Typically a focus just on the behavior may eliminate the behavior for a while to only see it return another day with greater intensity.

The next series of articles will detail specific parenting steps that can be taken to effectively help reduce problem behaviors in a rapid period of time with a specific approach to end the frustrating habit of lying. The steps will not be easy to implement, however with a firm resolve to stay the course the effectiveness of each approach is guaranteed to be effective.

Do you have a child with challenging behaviors? What is your greatest challenge?

Choose Love,

B
Click Here for Part 2
Click Here for Part 3


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A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children - Honestly, it's the best parenting handbook I've seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors... Even if you aren't into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you're a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book." -- Book Review By Literary Litter

You'll never believe how it simple it can be until you understand what really drives your kids.
To read more, just click here.

———————————

For more of Bryan Post’s unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com – A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com – A Parenting “Hands-On” Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com – Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.comYou Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

The Root of Attachment Challenges…Trauma, Trauma, Trauma! by Bryan Post

Many children with severe behaviors such as chronic lying, stealing, aggressiveness, defiance, setting fires, bed wetting, poor parental relationships, etc. are increasingly being diagnosed as having an attachment disorder. Though having a label may initially give parents some relief in being able to identify the condition their child is struggling with, typically it only creates a scenario for frustration, guilt, blame and resentment.

Unfortunately a diagnosis in the mental health profession is rarely a positive thing. No parent wants a child with a diagnosis because it implies some inherent defect of the child. To have your child labeled as having Reactive Attachment Disorder, will typically not bring a parent any heightened sense of relief.

We must begin to understand the children demonstrating such serious behaviors as the ones listed, among many others, have all typically experienced some degree of trauma. Historically, our understanding of trauma has been limited to the horrible experiences depicted in the media, however, trauma occurs in many more situations that we are not even remotely aware of. Especially as it regards small children, trauma can occur through the adoption process, foster care, loss of a parent, frequent moves or caregivers, prolonged illness, divorce, parental depression, automobile accidents, and the list goes on and on. We must understand that trauma is any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. When we have not had an opportunity to cry, talk, scream, grieve, and mourn a traumatic event, sometimes repetitively, that experience has the ability to impact us throughout the rest of our lives.

When a traumatic event has occurred early in a child’s life it can have an impact on the system responsible for helping him to handle stress, respond appropriately to fear, and form lasting attachments with others. This system is referred to as the regulatory system. When this system is impaired it leaves the child stuck in a pervasive state of fear and easily overwhelmed by the seemingly mundane task of daily life. Rather than being disordered in attachment relationships, the child is extremely challenged in the presence of stress within any relationship.

Choose Love,

B.

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Did you know that the latest research from the field of neuroscience shows that for at last 93% of the people experiencing these symptoms there is a direct link to attachment issues? Adult attachment issues are rarely given the level of consideration needed to pro-mote true healing for adult. If you are working with adults experiencing behavioral health issues, you must have an understanding of how attachment issues impact us, even into adult hood…INCLUDES LIVE DEMONSTRATIONS!

To read more, just click here.
---------------------------------

For more of Bryan Post's unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his websites:

  • www.postinstitute.com - A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com - A Parenting "Hands-On" Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com - Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.com - You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 4 “the end” by Bryan Post

Click here for Part 1
Click here for Part 2
Click here for Part 3

The years passed. Stress continued to increase. One child grew older and excelled in school, sports, and socially. Internally he struggled to live in a world he viewed as overwhelming. To compensate he lied, stole, cheated, manipulated, set fires, killed animals, and occasionally bullied other children. Because he was intelligent many of the adults never had a clue. Living out his fear he made it through year after year.

The other child, well, she struggled both internally and externally. Externally she failed in school, sports, and socially. There were frequent fights at home brought about by parental blueprints for what discipline should be, influenced by a fear of personal responsibility for having a withdrawn and immature child who preferred playing with children far younger than herself. Internally, she just tried to make it through each day. Now obviously, while ridden with anxiety and depression. Unable to focus because every relationship was imprinted to be negative and certainly every relationship did not prove otherwise.

The two parents with hopes of having a family they’d dreamed of, hoping to love, nurture, and influence their two children, ended up feeling insecure, hopeless, overwhelmed, and let down by the task at hand. These children were difficult. At least one of them was anyway and the other had his moments but so much less frequent.

And the family lived for years, each day struggling to be a family. Each day struggling to live in peace, but continually influenced by their early attachment imprints. One child continued to struggle, continued to live out those early blueprints and recurring negative relationships until she died in a tragic automobile accident. The other continues to struggle yet has been able to put life into perspective, not by any personal remarkable efforts, but by having more positive relationships than negative ones. Thereby, he is sharing this article with you.

Choose Love,

B.

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How to Deal with Severe Behaviors or Multiple Diagnoses?  At a loss as to how to manage a child with all this going on? The answers to these questions and more, though simple, are not easy and require a uniquely different parenting approach.
You will be amazed at the progress you can make once you begin to understand.


Strategies for Severe Behaviors in Adoptive & Foster Children Including RAD, OD, ADHD, Aspergers, Autism & Others – 4 DVD set
.
Bryan Post and Dr. Gizane Indart provide clear-cut understanding of the root of severe behaviors most frequently identified by parents and caregivers as troublesome and specific step by step strategies to eliminating these behaviors and creating healing and peace in your home. Learn why even adoption at birth is traumatic. Gain life changing insights to why your children act out, and what you can do to help them succeed. DVD. Approx. length 6 hours.

You'll never believe how it simple it can be until you understand what really drives your kids.
To read more, just click here.
---------------------------------
For more of Bryan Post's unique truly love based family centered approach for managing children with challenging behaviors, visit his other sites:

  • www.postinstitute.com - A Radical New Understanding of Difficult Children resource site. Lots of free stuff and training materials.
  • www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com - A Parenting "Hands-On" Home Study Course for parents & professionals with RAD kids.
  • www.oxytocincentral.com - Resource site for the latest info and research on Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for attachment and bonding.
  • www.postinnercircle.com - You Are Not Alone. If there were a way to personally interact with Bryan Post on a regular basis, would you be interested? If there were a community of other parents and professionals who wanted peace and harmony in their families as much as you, and you could learn from them, would you be interested in joining them?

Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 3 by Bryan Post

Click here for Part 1
Click here for Part 2

And so we struggled. When you have four members of a family attempting to relate to one another in a positive way but unknowingly unconsciously influenced by the blueprints that relationships are not entirely to be trusted or are safe, you quickly gain a portrait of a typical family.

Trauma is any stressful event perceived to be overwhelming, unpredictable, or prolonged. When such an event is not emotionally validated by our direct relationships and environment, then such an event can impact us lifelong. Typically we have a very small window of knowledge for what have been traumatic events in our lives and how they continue to influence us.

When looking at the family portrait we now can see one child adopted at an early age with relatively little trauma around birth, however carrying the seeds of sensitivity to rejection, a fear of abandonment, and ultimately fearful throughout his childhood; Another small child born premature with a possibility of fetal exposure, whose first moments in the world were spent surrounded by the dull hum of an incubator; An adoptive mother who was the oldest daughter of ten children with a hardworking mother, an alcoholic father, and a sharecroppers wages to feed twelve mouths; and a father, the oldest of nine, an alcoholic father, equally poor wages to feed eleven mouths, later a Vietnam veteran suffering from wartime shock.

According to neuroscientist Allan Schore, attachment is the dyadic regulation of emotion. The ability of two peoples to sooth their upset emotional states between each other. Considering the above, and the stressful society in which we live, it is hard to wonder that any attachment at all could be created. It was however, and then story shall be told. To be continued.

Choose Love,

B.

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Want to learn more about trauma and attachment? Reading From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post will give you a simple explanation of how it occurs, how it effects relationships, and how to heal it.

A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children - Honestly, it's the best parenting handbook I've seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors... Even if you aren't into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you're a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book." -- Book Review By Literary Litter

You'll never believe how it simple it can be until you understand what really drives your kids.
To read more, just click here.

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Attachment Trauma: A Personal Reflection Part 2 by Bryan Post

There are no two relationships ever the same. Every interaction that we have with another individual is influenced by our own personal past experiences. John Bowlby, M.D, the father of modern-day attachment theory, referred to these past experiences as our blueprints. Bowlby espoused that the first three years of our lives establish the blueprints for all of our future relationships. At a physiologic level, upon reflecting at the differences between my sister’s earliest relationship blueprints and my own, it is not difficult to determine that at even such an early age she was already imprinted to view human relationships as not safe.

When we consider trauma in the lives of children it is important to realize the far majority of traumatic experiences occurring in their lives typically involve some aspect of human relationship. If a child has been abused, battered, or neglected by the individual that is supposed to love her most then what would make subsequent relationships appear any safer?

From the earliest point in time throughout their relationship with one another, my sister and my parents struggled to be attached. The legendary attachment pediatricians Marshall Klaus and John Kennel inform us that attachment is the behavior of the child to the parent and bonding is the behavior of the parent to the child. In the mental health profession we have fostered an imbalance of influence. A child cannot develop attachment with a parent struggling to bond. Thus, unwittingly, an almost impossible task was set in motion.

Regardless of the trauma issues that my sister carried into the family, my own parents equally brought their own. As you can imagine, the family experience, the experience I refer to as the ‘secret life of the family,’ was not very attractive. To be continued.

Choose Love,

B.

If you have children – adopted, biological or foster – with attachment issues and would like to learn how to help heal early trauma, consider this excellent parenting manual for challenging children - visit From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by Bryan Post.

A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children…
“Honestly, it’s the best parenting handbook I’ve seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors… Even if you aren’t into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you’re a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book.” — Book Review By Literary Litter

There are also FREE resources, videos and articles available for helping families with children with trauma, RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment Disorders, ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and more at www.postinstitute.com, www.reactiveattachmentdisorderparenting.com, www.postinnercircle.com and oxytocincentral.com.
There is hope. There is help.

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